MarkJ

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MarkJ 2012-11-13T13:00:41+00:00

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  • in reply to: Struggling for Normality #95755

    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    I’ve struggled in pursuit of normalcy all my life. Chasing what is inevitably an elusive illusion. Like the kind of mirage one sees driving down a blistering hot road on a summer day. Just when you get there…its gone, or changed, or wasn’t what you thought it would be in the first place.

    I’ve spent tones of time and money and efforts to be normal and perceived as such. That everything is ok. And all I need is just a little more time, effort and speed to get to that place. Only to have most of it bite me on the butt.

    As I look back, the irony is, the harder I tried – the worse it got. The worse it got, the more abnormal I looked. What’s even more worse, in some way, is how, I’ve equated; being normal equals happiness. For many of us, especially the ones who are undiagnosed-unaware, it’s tantamount to burning out on a giant hamster wheel or fighting an invisible gremlin that keeps letting air out of your tires.

    Accepting, learning, understanding, and re-strategizing are some of the “ings” that I’m investing my energy into. Now that I know.

    I’m still working on understanding the fog issue I often find myself in, as well.

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    in reply to: Newbie ??? #102041

    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    Hi Survivor05,

    Your in the right place. This is one of the best, if not the BEST, unbiased resources out there. Tonnes of information offered with an edge of humor which helps to soften out a lot of dread. Learn as much as you can and find an expert in your area. The comments you remember from your report cards are the kinds of indicators that professionals use in diagnosis.

    Of course everyone over time experiences things like forgetfulness, difficultly concentrating and misplacing things. The difference is how these things impair more than one aspect of your life and if they are chronic. Which sounds like it does for you…”every minute of everyday.”

    Seeking out the right kind of help and learning about it as much as possible will start bringing you back on track.

    And seeking help is not easy in some places. Don’t be surprised if you end up knowing more about this than your MD. Even if your phychologist offers little help in the ADHD arena, clearing out your family issues, and other kinds of “mental garbage” that ADHD’ers collect and store over the years will lighten your load.

    Again, your in the right place being on this site. It’s a gem!

    All the best.

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    in reply to: Unfiltered brain #102052

    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    Hi Mudslinger48,

    I’ve had a similar issue concerning depression – bi-polar meds. Years ago I went to see my MD to discuss my bouts with depression and I was prescribed medication. I was informed that it would take about a month or so before I would feel a difference. I stopped after 8-9 weeks because it had no effect whatsoever.

    You might want to look into something called Dysthymia. It’s a form of depression and some of the symptoms are feeling confused, foggy, poor concentration and difficulty making decisions. This would be one of those neat’ co-morbidities that some of us have in their collections.

    Despite observations from friends, deep down inside, I always new I wasn’t dealing with clinical

    depression or bi-polar disorder. Dysthymia can be confused with Bi-Polar disorder. And if left to it’s own devices, it can blow out to full on clinical depression.

    I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD at 34. After deep reflection, since being diagnosed, I noticed that there was a strong correlation between my “depression” and how well things were going on in my life or how I perceived the things that were going on in my life. The word Dysthymia in Greek means “bad state of mind.”

    So, when something good would happen and all areas seemed to be clicking along without issue or heartache, it would be like “Magic Presto” – I felt great and my “depression” – gone. I’d have clarity, I got things done and even cleaned my room. And then, when something failed or fell apart, even the smallest thing, and I was left wondering, “how could this happen to me again? Why me? When is something going to finally work out? Why do I have such bad luck!?” I would get depressed again, become irritable, shack up with an extra large pepperoni pizza – 3x extra cheese – and dispiritedly watch as the dishes piled up in the sink.

    It almost feels like something “learned” over all the years of not knowing the mysteries behind the “why’s and how’s” that coming to understand ADHD has revealed to me.

    Right now, I’m learning to re-frame how I see negative things. Although super difficult at times, I’m finding that it helps to reduce the amount of time I spend with that pizza.

    I’ve also noticed that physical excersie, particularly the outdoor kind, reduces the amount of time I feel like a crap sack. That is, when I manage to wiggle out of that “figure four – pepperoni grip”.

    Check out “Sponsored Video 3: Holistic Treatment Approach,” on this site.

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    in reply to: ADHD Point of View…. #99431

    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    Hey Timothy, the poem is fantastic. Good on you. And good on you for taking the time and effort to help and enlighten that girl if ADHD is an issue with her. I’m sure that she (and perhaps her lucky off-spring, if any) will one day be very thankful that you crossed paths. I hope you don’t mind that I copy and pasted your poem. I will share it with those that are lucky to cross my path. Sincerely.

    I agree with Kuzuo. But if we are just talking labels…I’ve been labeled a “burden” and if given the choice, I would take the ADHD label. I see it as a badge of honor.

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    in reply to: ADHD family-member-to-be trying to sabotage me #98392

    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    Is there anything worse than a family member trying to sabotage your efforts? I feel your pain. I discovered that I had ADHD about a year and a half ago. I’m newly diagnosed as of Nov 2010. Not knowing and understanding that there has been a medically diagnosable condition affecting our family for generations has brought a lot of heart ache and unnecessary pain (divorces-financial issues-exploitation from various unscrupulous and Machiavelli types) into all our lives. And now that I’ve discover this, I am trying (almost feels futile at times) to bring this to the attention of all family members so that we can all have an understanding of what, why and how things are they way they are.

    And one of my sisters has gone out of her way to discredit everything I’ve been bringing up. She is non-ADHD. She has gone as far as to say that the reason I am the way I am is because “I wasn’t punished enough as a child” Like that wasn’t so anyway. But she blames my parents for not punishing me enough. She brings in articles written by “professionals” who also discredit the existence of ADHD.

    There are times when I wish that the symptoms were more than just behavioral issues. That maybe turning purple could be a symptom and the more severe your symptoms are, the deeper shade of purple you turned. Then there would be something physical and visual to point out.

    I’ve gone out of my mind at times trying to convey the seriousness of ADHD. But the more excited I get, the worse off it seems. Would a family member go out of its way to dismiss a cancer diagnosis? Would you tell someone that is newly diagnosed with throat cancer that you get a sore throat sometimes as well? Its sick. But as I am learning the hard way…. a calm, slow and measured approach to discussing the issues is best. And to an ADHDer that’s like an oxymoron.

    But what hurts me the most with that particular sister of mine is, regardless of my approach, she throws up her hands, dismisses me and walks away. I don’t get a chance to explain or explore anyways. So what can I do? Why is she so intent on being absolutely dismissive? It hurts….It hurts a lot.

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    in reply to: ADD and holds grudges #96724

    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    I hold the strongest grudges against the people in my life who have exploited my condition against me in someway. Its hard for a lot of people to understand how scaring it is. How deep the pain resonates within you when you don’t know the source. When you keep hitting one disaster after another and you can’t figure out why? It messes with you. At 34, I find out I am in possession of a condition that it is exploitable in so many ways. I know I’m talking dark side of the condition and I know that others are discoving this at older ages….and I know I am doing my best doggie paddle over to the light and more rewarding side of ADHD. But while in the dark, it seems to me that ADHD’ers are a little more susceptible to “being taken for rides” by others. And it’s often the unforeseen cost of a mis-adventure that ends up giving birth to the strongest grudges. Even though ADHD’ers let a lot of things slide I think it’s easy for ADHD’ers to build up and stew around in a few grudges.

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    in reply to: ADD and holds grudges #96723

    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    Like many other aspects of ADHD, there seems to be a dichotomy in the whole “holding grudges- being angry” issue. Just like our inability and ability to focus on details, emotionally, it seems there are times when we really sweat the small stuff and times we don’t at all. The real crap hole here is that sweating the small stuff makes us look insane and and not sweating small stuff makes us look like we don’t care.

    As for myself, I noticed that I only hold a grudge after that certain line is crossed. An anger and rage as fierce and fiery as the Balrog Monster of Lord of the Rings movie (goggle it) can erupt and make its presence known. And hours could be spent going over certain events and how they should have gone and what should have been said… re-viewing, assigning blame, justifying, etc….

    ADHD’ers seem to develop a tough skin over time. I know I’ve let thousands of unpleasant and unflattering remarks about me slide of my back… I’ve been unfairly painted with a pejorative paint brush only to swipe it aside… And yet there are people who stung me so bad, they hang on Grudge Hollows Hill to this day. Most of them hang there because they’ve exploited my condition against me in someway…in a deeply painful way. And it’s especially painful when you yourself are unaware that you’ve have a condition that is exploitable. So they end up banished….

    I wonder if getting all wound up and angered is something that could be addictive for the ADHD’er? Could spending copious amounts of time re-visiting strong grudges and getting all worked up be another way the ADHD brain seeks to release adrenaline, to stimulate the neuropathways in order to “feel normal”? Albeit a physically and mentally unhealthy way.

    My Grandmother and Aunt lived together for some time, they both fit the ADHD profile. As a kid, I would ride my bike over to visit them often. Particularly in the time in the summer. They lived near a park and a McDonald’s.

    Anyways…as a kid, one of the things that often perplexed me about them was how they could both spend hours complaining about the neighbours and the injustices, constantly re-living and comparing varying events of stupidity. It makes more sense now.

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    in reply to: They DO NOT GET IT….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #97392

    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    I found out that I had ADHD about a year and half ago. After having the big AHA moment I tried to explain to close loved ones and friends which I hold dear that there is a medical explanation that describes me and my behavior to a Tee. No one believed it. They thought I was making excuses and avoiding responsibilities, ect… I might as well tried to explain that I’m friends with Papa Smurf and I’m upset with him because he won’t share his Smurf Berry Cake recipe with me.

    And now, I’ve gone through the diagnosis process and I’m ADHD. And still, even with a diagnosis, even with the amount of resources and information out there, most everyone in my life still dismisses it as non-sense. Some of my family is starting to see the patterns and realize that there has been an invisible force at work on us over the years. A lot of pain and suffering could have been avoided if we only knew say 25 years ago. Maybe my turbulent relationship with my middle sister could have turned out different.

    And yet…even with a diagnosis, explaining that this condition is real and that it has an affect on people falls on deaf ears, especially with some of my close friends. They just don’t get it. And even worse…they refuse to look into it. They stick to their judgments of me. Some of which are not kind at all. I’ve been branded a “burden” by some one I foolishly considered a close friend. I bet I wasn’t a burden when I saved his mortgage after I moved in to an over priced room at his place.

    It’s frustrating and more than that…it actually hurts. It hurts a lot. Is there anything worse than being dismissive? To dismiss someone off as crazy, or lazy, or stupid, or angry, because you can’t understand the why’s…or refuse to understand the why’s…even when presented with facts.

    After I told my best friend that I’ve been diagnosed. He still comes back at me with, “I have a hard time listening to people and in most cases I have to try really hard to listen to them.” This is his issue with concentration. Yes, we all have issues with concentration at times. But does your issue with concentration impair your life negatively and chronically? And so the dismissal continues. He just doesn’t get it. They just don’t get it.

    Trying to explain this thing over the last year and a half has become the bane of my existence. Honestly…it just makes me withdraw. So I feel your pain Prunty20. Even with a diagnosis….THEY JUST DON”T GET IT.

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    in reply to: Do we tend ot be loners? #98233

    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    For me, this is just another one of those ADHD dichotomies that pisses me off. Pisses me off, because its hard to explain to others who do not have the condition. I would say that I’m a loner. But there are times when I love and need to be the center of attention. This confuses those around me. They wonder why this guy, who has the ability to bring down a Hall with laughter as an MC at a wedding with over 300 guests, would rather hang out by himself than chit chat with the guests individually. Weird eh? I can be on stage preforming to an audience…chatting with a group of hundreds, yet get me in front 3 or 4 people around a punch bowl, holding tiny crackers with tiny bits of cheese on them, and I’m looking to jump out of the nearest window.

    I’ve been diagnosed ADHD over the last year and as I look back at behavior patterns, I see that at Christmas parties and Birthday parties, ect… I often find myself gravitating away from the others.

    Sometimes, it’s because I’m really bored with idle chit chat. Other times, I feel inadequate with the person or group I’m speaking with. Like…they’ll find out I’m a Nub Nub. Other occasions, I get confused and fed up with listening and trying to understand nonsense. I have a low threshold for long and detailed explanations of ignorance and stupidity. Lots of regular “normal” people thrive in such discussions. grrrr

    I like time spent alone. And I also like the juice of entertaining.

    This made me laugh. Its George Carlin talking about boring people.

    Check out… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyWsFfd9pqE

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    in reply to: Problems with relationship, How do ya'll deal with them? #97980

    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    Its hard. I have to say, I myself have not figured out how to deal with relationships. Other than the high school sweet heart (years ago), I’ve never had a relationship that has lasted more than a short time. I’ve just been diagnosed ADHD this past year. And as I look back, I can see more clearly how the few relationships I’ve had over the past 10 years have failed. But what bothers me more, is how I avoid and fear new relationships with women now. Its almost as if it’s just too much trouble and pain. It’s getting worse. I’m starting to sound like George McFly from Back to the Future….. “I don’t know that I can take that kind of rejection.” eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh…. (that’s the McFly laugh)

    It’s not that I’m totally uncomfortable around women, but if I get the slightest hint that a girl likes me….I literally run and hide. And forget picking up a girl. I have issues with flirting. Its hard to flirt naturally and effortlessly. It always comes out punchie and creepy. And I see now that I also miss read cues. As I think back over my (laughable) love career, I can’t even count how many times I would muster enough courage, ignoring all the fears, and man up to approach a woman who I though was flirting or sending signals, only to find out that I miss read everything. Only to have it blow up in my face. It leaves me embarrassed, hurt, confused and less willing to take that chance again. Its the pits! But, at least its not a mystery any longer. That was the super pits!

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    in reply to: Short Temper #94526

    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    I wanted to add…. There is a lot of wisdom in what Rick wrote about how useless it is to wallow in the bad karma and toxic chemicals. What happens to you and the real effect of keeping that anger/frustration motor running with all the thoughts, arguments and justifications and grrr grrr grrrr’s that seem to just go on and on and on really does more harm than good. It took me a long time to see that in my own life; actually learned about it over the last year. I’m a nubie and I’m still working on it. It’s not easy and its probably going to be a life long process. Going into those modes is like an addiction all unto itself. But at least I understand it a little better now and knowing is half the battle, eh. The realization that I alone am keeping person “xyz” who has pissed me off in the past alive and kicking in my thoughts was pretty profound. Why waste my time and energy…I lose enough time as it is. And if your not paying rent…get out!!!

    I guess it might be about catching and realizing those moments as they arise. I’ve gotten a lot of use out of listening to Eckhart Tolle recently, especially on the topic of observing and catching the egoic mind when it arises. I’ve been applying it to the moments when I feel and catch my temper going.

    The other day I wanted to print up an article and all of a sudden my trusty printer wouldn’t print. As if it went on strike or something. It was working last week! Working great! Now, all of a sudden it’s not doing what its supposed to do. I’m getting error messages. Low on ink. I go…I buy new ink. Still not working. Damn. Getting different error messages now…everything is connected…check. Plugging and unplugging. Restarting! The print heads start whirring back and forth…back and forth… What are they doing!? Are they going to print?? And then they stop. More error messages…Now I feel it….I feel it rising…the anger and frustration at an inanimate object. So I try to catch it…

    I’m pretty good with making funny voices and such (I spent a couple years at one point studying at Second City in TO) so when I noticed the anger and frustration rising, I redirected that energy into a funny voice or two…I started off with a Fred Flintstone type of rumbling “razza frazz ruckum muckum”, and then went into a full tilt Hunter S Thompson torrent. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it went a little something like this…

    “Abandon all hope you plastic abomination….Filthy stinking animal….Get ready to fly…fly out the window….you dingbat!!!”

    Anyways… Sometimes I’ll say something so absurd, so ridiculous that it stops me in my tracks and I laugh. It’s not fool proof. Sometimes it feels like trying stop a river full of salmon that are late for spawning. But if I can stop a few…if it stops the blood pressure from peaking 3 out of 7 times….then maybe there is something there for me. To each their own.

    And of course I do this at home, I’ve learnt to avoid public outbursts, at least until I get into my car…you know.

    And by the way,

    I found a funny audio clip on Youtube of Hunter losing it on an answering machine over some Audio Video equipment that was set up at his place. It starts off sorta calm for the first minute and then ramps into furry around the one minute mark.

    Type: hunter s thompson another satisfied customer

    Be warned..there is potty language.

    And with the printer. It turns out that not every update that comes down the pike is healthy for your computer accessories. Especially when it comes to older printers, scanners and cameras…. “Dingbat Silicon Valley! Soul sucking pocket drainers!”

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    in reply to: The Sixty-hour hyperfocus COMA #93986

    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    Youtube…..Youtube all night long. Going from one video to another and often forgetting where or why I started. I also noticed this when I would get lost in editing a video. I could go hours without eating, without showering….and not even notice that 9 or 10 or 12 hours has just slipped away. And why parting from such a roll could be so diffucult. “Mark come get your food…..Mark your food is getting cold….Mark your food is cold now, I’m not reheating it for you…..Mark…I’m shipping your food to Ethiopia….. Mark?!?!!?!?”

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    in reply to: Short Temper #94522

    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    I can relate to the eruptions of frustration and anger to small things going awry. It use to perplex my ex-girl friend all the time. She could never understand how I could be so calm with my finances a mess, my job prospects at nil (I’m self employed) and yet if I came home after hitting the drive thru and discovered that the teenager at the window forgot to put the ketchup packs in along with the rest of my stuff, I’d hit the roof and freak out. I’ve actually gone back on a few occasions, irritated as hell, and not only got the ketchup I asked for in the first place, but also demanded that I get new food becasue my order at that point was cold. And God forbid you ever forget the dipping sauce for my nuggets! This has happened with many a small thing… And with people… I’ve had people upset me and piss me off and usually I get over things. But there have been a few people, including friends, that I felt (and still feel with some of them) took things too far… and the anger, the resentment, the indignation would rattle around for hours, days, weeks in my head. I would remove these people totally and completely from my life. Welcome to Jaster’s gallows.

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    MarkJ
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    Post count: 18

    Hello…. Thank you all for the replies. They were very helpful. You know…I’ve been meaning to get back here for a while (hahaha….God help me) and let you know that everything was settled without a law suit. It did however cost me big time $. Just another job where I slaved for hours and hours only to end up having to pay for it (both financially and psychologically ) in end. Who works like that? Really?

    Who works to pay money? Traumatized by this one.

    Many thanks,

    Mark J

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    MarkJ
    Member
    Post count: 18

    Thank you , thank you, thank you… This is very helpful. I like the kryptonite reference too. That sums up many things (paper work) perfectly.

    Thanks again.

    Mark

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