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Self esteem 2013-10-10T09:54:57+00:00

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  • #122523
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    dithl
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    Post count: 158

    Whoa, @blackdog – just let me know when that time machine is ready. First of all – just because it’s a TIME MACHINE! And second — I will bring the chicken wire and paper mache. After you deliver the slap, we’ll build him right into the set. Maybe turn him into a big old poppy. And you can use any darn brush you please.

    @sdwa your story is familiar…wish I had a more thoughtful response…I was lucky enough to finally find something I love after years of searching. Seems that once you’re off the “mainstream track” of school/career/life, there are few guideposts to help find your way. For me it was school-university-graduate……then about 10 years of wondering what I was going to do when I grew up, feeling rather lost, except for the being a mom part. Looking back, most of it was preparation for what I do now, though that wasn’t obvious at the time. Not that I am “found” by any means….

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    #122530
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    blackdog
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    Post count: 906

    Thanks for the support @dithl.

    I feel much better just telling the story. My confidence in my artistic ability is begining to return. A little. I’m having fun with my little projects anyway. It’s nice to have a hobby again.

    I can relate to the not knowing what you want to be when you grow up. I still haven’t figured it out. But I have no idea what it would be like to have that many skills and that much training. My lack of a career path led to doing nothing. I am now faced with having to find something that will pay reasonably well and doesn’t require too much training or education so that I can get into it fairly quickly.

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    #122534
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    sdwa
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    @blackdog

    Watercolor is an unforgiving medium. I could never get into it, because once you put something down, you’re committed. I like acrylics, which dry quickly and can be painted over more or less forever until I get it right. Oils are more aesthetically pleasing, but I lack the patience to wait for them to dry. On the other hand, they are the best medium for people who like to paint wet on wet. Plus, these days they have citrus-based paint thinners that smell nice instead of turpentine. Acrylics are best for working dry on dry.

     

    @dithl

    So, what are you doing now, if you don’t mind me asking…? I’ve been wondering what to be when I grow up for at least thirty years.

     

    Did anyone attend the webinar last night? I did. It was my favorite one so far. One of the things that came up was the VIA personality profile thingy. I had done it before a number of years ago with slightly different but more or less the same results. It’s a self-assessment – which I didn’t trust at that time but do now because I haven’t changed very much. (www.viacharacter.org). Giwerc was saying when you are planning your career or whatnot, it’s a good idea to know who you are. My problem is that I’m not sure where my top five traits fit into the world of employment, but another point he seemed to be making is that it’s good to know who you are apart from the roles you play in your life. That self-esteem doesn’t come from the roles, it comes from your essence as a person. Or something like that. I was a little confused.

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    #122535
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    blackdog
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    @sdwa That is exactly why I don’t like watercolour. And I also prefer acrylics. I love being able to paint over it until I am happy with the result. Or even just painting out the whole thing and starting over.

    I had my group last night so I wasn’t able to catch the webinar. I couldn’t have anyway because we only have one computer and Husband uses it to chat with his friends and play games in the evening.

    I’ll have to take a look at that test. I have taken several career tests and personality tests over the years. The career tests always came up with things that would seem to be a good match except for one little hitch. Like chef, for example. That one came up one time and right away I said to the woman- I think it was a councelor at the college- That would be good, except I wouldn’t be able to keep up and time things properly. Another one was advertising executive. To that I said advertizing yes, executive no, because I can’t plan and schedule things and make decisions. So even then, long before I had thought of ADD or even really knew about it, I already knew that I had it.

    I can’t remember what my Briggs Myers result was, except for one thing: “This personality can become weak and ineffectual”. That has always stuck in my mind because it is so very true.

    I really liked the Colours/Dinmensions test. It was fun. And it turned out that my colour is Green, but Blue is a very close second, only one or two points between them. And that seemed to shock all of the people at the career center where I took it. It seems a Green/Blue combination is extremely rare. But it makes perfect sense to me so it must be right. Though I think under different circumstances, I could have been Orange. Definitely not Gold. Not in this universe anyway.

    I think good self esteem comes from within. Bad self esteem is what is forced upon us from external sources. None of us start out life feeling bad about ourselves. But negative input from parents, teachers, bullies, bad experiences, form those internal thought patterns that convince us that we are no good. The more negative input, the more negative output.

    There is a song by Jewel that I like and part of it comes to mind here:

    I have this theory, that if we’re told we’re bad

    Then that’s the only idea we’ll ever have.

    But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty,

    One day we will become what we see.

    I will start posting some of the material from my group here soon as promised. I just have to go over it and condense it and pick out the relevant parts. Because one of the things I have learned so far is that a lot of the conventional wisdom on self esteem does not apply to people with ADD. That and the facilitators are very poor speakers who don’t seem to have a good grasp on their own material. Though I think that may be a deliberate act to put the rest of us at ease. Anyway, I will post some stuff, later today if possible.

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    #122536
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    paisia
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    Post count: 9

    ‘I think good self esteem comes from within. Bad self esteem is what is forced upon us from external sources. None of us start out life feeling bad about ourselves. But negative input from parents, teachers, bullies, bad experiences, form those internal thought patterns that convince us that we are no good. The more negative input, the more negative output.’

    That’s so well put blackdog thank you

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    #122537
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    sdwa
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    Post count: 363

    @blackdog

    One of the issues I have with a lot of Self Esteem Speak is that it often comes across to me as a form of bullying. You SHOULD feel good about yourself. If you don’t, you’re a failure and a loser, and you’re just being obstinate. This message kind of defeats the purpose of seeking help, you know?

    I’ve never heard of Colours/Dimensions. My Myers-Briggs was INFP, which they say fits about 1% of the population. Oddly enough, my husband is the same type, so we know there are at least two of us. My VIA stuff came out 1) love of learning, 2) appreciation of beauty & excellence, 3) love, 4) fairness, 5) creativity. So how does that translate into a job? I have no idea.

    The problem with typical career counseling is that it is not designed for people with ADHD. What would really be cool would be to find an ADHD coach who specializes in career counseling. My guess is that there is no such person. There should be.

    You didn’t miss anything by not doing the webinar live – you’ll probably be able to catch it in a few days. The feed was a little goofy at my end; with a recording there wouldn’t be that problem.

    For me, good self-esteem doesn’t come from much of anywhere, inside or outside. I think I’m actually pretty depressed. I’ve been in a bad space for a while, seems like. I don’t know what happened. I used to believe in things. Then I fell into a hole and got all bitter, cynical and morose. For a while I was happy. Maybe I had more support then – ?

    Or maybe it came on when I started trying to write this novel. I’ve worked between 15-40 hours per week every week for the past year. I’m still not done with the first draft, although I only have a few more chapters to go. But to fix it in subsequent drafts will be a huge job. It’s demoralizing because the amount of effort is not producing the results I want. On the other hand, I’m obsessed. I’m either writing, editing, reading about writing, or practicing skills. It’s a lot like painting, actually. A continuous struggle. Total hyper-focus and immersion. It was a Bucket List item – to write a novel in order to learn how to write a novel. And I am going to finish it even if it kills me. For some things, I am tenacious as hell. There is no practical value to doing this. Even if I wrote the most brilliant book in the universe (which I won’t) it will not pay off, and no one will care. But I’ll care.

    My self-esteem comes from what I produce, actually. Which, according to David Giwerc, is not where it is supposed to come from. But I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. When I look back on it, I feel happy. Might not be the best way to look at it, because it is conditional – but that stuff matters to me. It’s stuff I know about but for the most part others don’t, or wouldn’t appreciate if they did – a “personal best” kind of thing, for its own sake.

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    #122539
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    blackdog
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    @sdwa

    That is kind of how I feel about the self esteem stuff. All the CBT stuff actually. My therapist annoyed me a lot with all of his “hey it’s a sunny day, you should be happy about that” crap. And trying to turn “negative cognitions” into “positive cognitions” when what I was actually doing was trying to get a fact across to him. When I say “I am never on time” it’s not a negative cognition, it’s a fact. It’s my reality. And it’s something I need real help with, not just  ‘oh, well you were on time today!” Yeah, and 1 in 80 000 people win the lottery too. The other 79 999 don’t.

    “Colors” is the American name. Actually, I think it’s something like “what color is your parachute?” Canadians decided that “Colours” wasn’t politically correct and changed it to “Dimensions” Anyway, it divides people into four basic categories:

    Green- scientific, analytical, intellectual,innovative

    Blue- sensitive, caring,  empathetic, introverted

    Orange- Adventurous, athletic, outgoing, extroverted

    Gold- Organized, punctual, office worker type

    That is only a rough description. I can’t remember the details any more.

    Whoops! It’s 2:00 pm! I have got to get going. Just one other thing I wanted to say- I also think my self esteem comes a lot from accomplishments. I don’t see where that is wrong in any way. It’s actually a pretty strong motivator, knowing that doing this is going to make me feel good. And for people who lack any kind of internal motivation that is a huge help.

    And one last thing….don’t assume  that your novel is only for your own satisfaction and nothing will ever come of it. You don’t know. It may become a best seller and make you rich and famous. 😉

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    #122541
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    sdwa
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    @blackdog

    I found a free “dimensions” test. I come out Blue with Green a close second.

    Like you, I am not too impressed with CBT. As you say, the ADHD symptoms and patterns are not about attitude. You could have the best attitude in the world and still be late every day. Physical changes better affect mood – something that affects my body or emotions – sensory experiences or a different environment.

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    #122542
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    Patte Rosebank
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    The thing about ADHD is, most of what works for non-ADDers doesn’t work for us.  And most of what works for us is the exact opposite of what works for them.  That’s why so many of us have often been more frustrated during & after a session with a therapist, than we were before it.

    WE know what works for us, but the rest of the world keeps telling us THEY know better.  No wonder we’re so frustrated!

    It’s not that we CAN’T do those things.  We just need to be allowed to do them our OWN way.

    So, if you ask a potential therapist up-front about their expertise with ADHD, and they don’t have any, it’s a pretty clear sign that they’re not the right therapist for you.

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    #122546
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    blackdog
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    @paisia – I am glad that you found my comment helpful. I say whatever works for you, take it and run with it.

    @sdwa – That is so cool, that you’re Blue/Green. Very interesting combination. I think in my case blue could have come out on top with green second. I remember there were a few questions that I wavered on, where more than one answer felt right.  And I think it really does describe my personality pretty well. Though I can be compassionate and caring, I can also be very cold and calculating at times.

    @larynxa– I didn’t have any choice in the matter of therapists.  It was what OHIP covers.  I like the guy alright, as a person. As a therapist I’m sure he is okay for most people. And I was originally referred for grief counselling. But since it took a full year to get in the grieving was pretty much over with so it was kind of like okay, now what? I can’t blame him for not really knowing what to do with me. I don’t know what to do with me. But I am starting to get a better idea.

    I also think CBT  doesn’t work for me because I’m too practical and realistic. And I see right through it, see it for what it is, which in my opinion is just a delusion. It’s a matter of convincing yourself that you are happy and everything is okay when you aren’t and it isn’t.

    You have to deal with what is bothering you, what is making you feel depressed. Life sucks, and some days suck worse than others. But like one of my elderly customers used to say when someone asked him how he was- any day that you wake up is a good day.

    I think that should be my daily affirmation. It’s better than any of the ones they gave us last night. I need to paste it on my alarm clock as a reminder. Waking up is better than the alternative.

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    #122547
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    blackdog
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    @paisia – I am glad that you found my comment helpful. I say whatever works for you, take it and run with it.

    @sdwa – That is so cool, that you’re Blue/Green. Very interesting combination. I think in my case blue could have come out on top with green second. I remember there were a few questions that I wavered on, where more than one answer felt right.  And I think it really does describe my personality pretty well. Though I can be compassionate and caring, I can also be very cold and calculating at times.

    @larynxa– I didn’t have any choice in the matter of therapists.  It was what OHIP covers.  I like the guy alright, as a person. As a therapist I’m sure he is okay for most people. And I was originally referred for grief counselling. But since it took a full year to get in the grieving was pretty much over with so it was kind of like okay, now what? I can’t blame him for not really knowing what to do with me. I don’t know what to do with me. But I am starting to get a better idea.

    I also think CBT  doesn’t work for me because I’m too practical and realistic. And I see right through it, see it for what it is, which in my opinion is just a delusion. It’s a matter of convincing yourself that you are happy and everything is okay when you aren’t and it isn’t.

    You have to deal with what is bothering you, what is making you feel depressed. Life sucks, and some days suck worse than others. But like one of my elderly customers used to say when someone asked him how he was- any day that you wake up is a good day.

    I think that should be my daily affirmation. It’s better than any of the ones they gave us last night. I need to paste it on my alarm clock as a reminder. Waking up is better than the alternative.

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    #122627
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    b482
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    I had MAJOR self esteem issues growing up.  Middle child in a family of 7 children.  Poorest family in a private school. Strict, controlling, religious mother. Inability to maintain focus at school to the point I almost failed every grade from 1st through 8th.  I was told I was lazy.  I was told I could do better. I was spanked.  I was grounded.  I suffered through weekly “work detentions”.  I was tattled on by my siblings.  The other kids found me an easy target because they could see how their comments affected me.  I was painfully shy and daydreamed a l0t.  I wanted so badly to be “normal”.  I don’t remember much of my high school years.  I was so sheltered, I didn’t eat lunch in the cafeteria with the other kids, but instead went home for lunch.   I was not allowed to attend social activities.  Even though I attended a small school, when I went to my 10-year HS reunion, people had no idea who I was. 

    When I reached college, I decided I was tired of being shy.  I made myself open my mouth and say whatever came to mind.  Well, as you all know, being ADD, your brain-to-mouth filter is not always functional.  I found out other people thought I was funny!  I forced myself to walk with my head up and looking people in the eye. 

    I’m nearly 50 now.  I didn’t get diagnosed until my early 40’s.  Up until that point, though I had friends and knew I was an intelligent person, I still had self esteem issues.  Being diagnosed was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I understood why I wasn’t able to complete things that other people could.  I learned as much as I could about ADD, and recognized myself in almost everthing that was said.  Now I could forgive myself.  My controlling mother finally understood me and my relationship with her has improved.  I discovered creative abilities that many other people admired. 

    I laugh at myself a lot.  I am very outspoken about ADD and ADHD and all the ways it affects my personality, my home life, relationships, and even my job.  I have discovered that by being so outspoken about it, people come to me when they suspect they may have it, or to commiserate with me about their kids.  I am content with not being a driven career person.  My self esteem has soared with my diagnosis.  I have discovered I have some very strong skills that are appreciated, and laugh that I am very creative, but I don’t cook or keep house like other people can.

    We are all unique.  ADD is a bonus and a curse, depending on the situation.  For people who don’t have it, it’s the same in a different way.  We all have something we deal with.  Nobody is any better than anyone else.  And, my favorite; It takes all kinds to make the world.  Don’t feel like you are any less than someone else.  They may be better than you at some things, but you are better than them at others. Instead of lamenting at what doesn’t work for you, rejoice in what does and your own unique skills and traits that make you the wonderful person you are.

    Now, I wish I could go back to the little girl who struggled so much and encourage my young self and make her understand that she is worth something.  Help her rejoice in herself.

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