One of those days…

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One of those days… 2013-11-26T20:24:57+00:00

The Forums Forums Emotional Journey I'm Sad One of those days…

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  • #123066
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    gforcewarp9
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    Post count: 38

    Hi there.

    I haven’t been here in a while, but I’m having “one of those days.” One of those days where I feel like a freak of nature. I’m living in a place where I’ve only been for a year and a half, and I’m still trying to make friends. I usually have had a lot of friends, but I’ve moved 3 times with my husband and son in the last 8 years, and it just keeps getting harder. I talk to much, I say really awkward things, and I’m obviously a scatter brain which at times makes me terribly self-conscious. Whenever I go to the store, 4 times out of 5, I either have forgotten my wallet, or I leave my wallet, or I leave the groceries, or both.  I am constantly finding old school forms in my purse that I needed to sign for my son, (usually days weeks ago) folded up with ragged edges and smeared with spilled makeup.

    Recently, I felt so good about myself for getting my son’s birthday cards out weeks in advance, only to realize that I had put the wrong day of the week, because I was looking at the November calendar, not the December calendar. So, now I have to go around to a bunch of parents I still hardly know and explain the mix up to everyone.

    last week, I forgot to check the school calendar last week, and didn’t know about the fun fair at the school, so we didn’t go, and my son was really disappointed.

    You know, the thing is– most of the time I can laugh this stuff off. Most of the time I have sense of humor about it all. However for whatever reason, once and a while I’ll have a rash of stuff happen, and I just feel like crap about myself.

    As an adult before I had a family, I was always able to make friends easily. It just seems so much harder now. Approaching other mother’s, for me is frigging’ terrifying. When I’m in a place where I have been a while and have a lot of friends, I usually feel pretty good about myself. I wish how I felt wasn’t dependent on other people’s perceived approval! The absolute worst for me is feeling awkward around people. I am always trying to pull off seeming “normal,” as in not talking to much, not saying anything inappropriate or weird… I never worried about this in the past when I’d been in a community for a while and had a lot of friends. A year and a half, and I still don’t have friends here…I used to have such a great community of friends, and now it just seems so painful trying to break in with people!

    I’m sure this will blow over in a day or two, but boy is this a miserable place to be in.

    I just completely lose perspective sometimes.

    Well that’s my scattered rant. I’m sure it’s not very cohesive, but that’s what happens when your interrupted by a 5 year old 15 times.

    Thanks.

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    #123071
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    blackdog
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    Post count: 906

    Hi @gforcewarp9 🙂

    I know how you feel. Sometimes it’s like nothing ever goes right and you’re all alone.

    Have you tried looking for support groups in your area? I know there aren’t many of them, but there might be something. Even a support group for parents of children with ADHD, since odds are if the kids have ADHD the parents do too. You may find some people there who would be more understanding and you could make some friends.

    I have always struggled to make friends and never had many. Right now I don’t have any except online. But I am accustomed to being alone and it doesn’t really bother me anymore. And I have decided to just start being myself no matter what people think. If they really want to be friends then it won’t bother them. I haven’t actually been out looking for friends but I have had a few people  strike up conversations with me.

    Now if only I knew how to carry a conversation… 🙄

    Your story about sending out the birthday cards made me chuckle. That is something that I would do. I had to call and cancel an appointment today when my mom looked at the card and told me it was for Wednesday, and not Friday like I had thought, and I have another more important appointment scheduled for Wednesday.

    Things like that will always happen no matter how hard you try to prevent them. So you have to laugh about them. And try to get a support system going if you can. Get your family to help you keep track, if you have any family members who can help. I write things on the calendar and tell my husband and my mother so that I have three possible reminders. And I have started using post its. I find writing something on a post it note and sticking it somewhere works better than writing them in a book. You could try asking someone to be a “buddy” too, so you can remind each other of important stuff and keep each other on track. You can do it by email so it doesn’t have to be someone where you live.

    I don’t know if any of that will work for you. When all else fails, tie a knot in that rope and hang on as best you can. You’ll get through it. 🙂

     

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    #123077
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    gforcewarp9
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    Post count: 38

    Thank you for your kind response.

    Some days, when I am in serious need of perspective, I have to go straight to the “well I could be living in a hovel in Afghanistan, living in constant fear of drones firing missiles over my families head…” trick of finding something to be grateful for. ADHD is certainly for real, but sometimes the things we stress out about are truly, “white people problems.”  While I certainly would not want to l invalidate my/our feelings– sometimes, a little perspective can help pull me out of the self esteem blues.  You know, it’s funny, because It’s not really our mistakes that are the problem, it’s how we feel about them.  If I have a weird encounter, rack up my kid’s library card with fees, and have a fight with the post mistress in one day, man– I can really lose perspective quickly and then go down  a deep dark hole  for a few days. Other people make mistakes and go on about there lives without questioning their worth as a human being.

    Yeah, I will try to find a support group.  I don’t live in a large place, but you never know. I actually wondered earlier today about putting myself out there and starting something myself. As per my family, well…my husband may one of us, so as such, he’s no help!

    As for friends, I was lucky enough I suppose, to be born an extrovert. This helped me a lot in my earlier 20’s and 30’s, when I was young, single, wild and free…(sigh.)  So, that helped me for a long time to make friends…but I’ve always had to overcome some social anxiety, and lately, the extrovert-ism’ will often have it’s foot shot by the social anxiety– which seems to have gotten worse over the years. And unfortunately, as an extrovert, I need people! I like them, and I want them to like me. I want them to like me to darn much. I don’t know…I’m O.K for the most part alone and then for some reason, WHAM, I get hit with a bout of lonlieness.

    I like your buddy system idea. I’ll  float the idea out there if I get to know anyone with this affliction. I used to do sticky notes, an Ipod with calendar/reminders etc (stolen.) and I write a lot of lists. I’m good at keeping this up for a while, but not consistently.

    I’ve lived with this for so long, you’d think I’d have developed a better system for dealing with this stuff by now…

    Thanks again for your great ideas and support.

    Cheers!

     

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    #123086
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    sdwa
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    @gforcewarp9

    I know what you mean about the contrast with Afghanistan, keeping things in perspective. I also know how emotions can take on a life of their own and fill the entire universe with all-consuming waves of annihilation, degradation, shame, misery, and chaos.

    Hate when that happens.

    The little things, like forgetting stuff – I write that off as just a typical part of my ADHD. I don’t judge myself for those lapses. They can be inconvenient (like the day I left my car running in the grocery story parking lot while I was shopping, or the day I set my kitchen on fire.) The consequences are usually not that great.

    Bigger consequences show up in missing important events. Promising to do stuff for my kids that I either forget about or fail to get around to doing. Forgetting to take the time to talk to the people I live with. What was your name again, dear?

    I’ve come to accept the fact that I really can’t rely on myself to manage daily tasks. I need props, a wall full of reminders, other people, a buddy, a system, a routine, ways that help me put the critical tasks on autopilot, and reinforce patterns.

    The Social Awkwardness factor is a problem. Trying to connect results in failure, humiliation, embarrassment, shame, etc. I say awkward things, I say the wrong thing, I offend people. Or they say things that infuriate me and I can’t contain my reaction. I become belligerent. People exhaust and irritate me. I  space out and can’t remember their names. Or don’t understand what they’re talking about. Or they bore the hell out of me, and I can barely force myself to pretend to listen. I know that no matter what, these things will happen. It’s not a question. It’s guaranteed. Every time.

    I don’t remember birthdays. I don’t celebrate holidays. I don’t host parties or events. I don’t volunteer. I don’t invite people over.  I don’t send birthday or greeting cards, so I don’t worry about forgetting to send them. I don’t join groups. I don’t take classes. I avoid crowds and religious gatherings. That stuff never works for me. It never has, and it never will. I’ve written it off entirely.

    Because I’m a natural introvert, I’m sort of okay with that. I’d rather be alone, working on my writing, reading books, watching movies, connecting where I can – preferably through writing or one-on-one in small doses – two hours visiting tops. Phones are bad. I don’t do phone calls unless there’s no alternative.

    But although I haven’t changed – I still function more or less the same way as ever – the meaning I assign to my peculiarities has changed. Other people can view me as a crummy person and say rotten things about me when I leave the room and after I’m dead. I’m barely known as it is, and will not be remembered or missed. I know this – but since I can’t change, I decided to let go.

    I respect my own comfort zone. I accept my limitations – where and when I can function well, and the circumstances where, despite my best efforts or intentions, that just isn’t going to happen.  I accept that this is who I am. It’s part of my ADHD.

    If there were something I absolutely had to do – had no choice but overcome some of these obstacles to make something critical happen – I would marshal any and all external resources and try to build in supports. I would not expect myself to be able to rise the occasion. I’ve failed so many times, I know I can’t do it. Better to go in with my eyes wide open, knowing I’m impaired, having arranged in advance every support I can think of, and keep my expectations low. But if I don’t have to,  there’s no reason to expend that kind of energy. When the stakes are high enough, okay. I compensate for a lack of social life with a rich creative life.

    So, my suggestion is: Know yourself. Know how, when, and where things work for you. Accept it. Work around it. Don’t bother to feel guilty about it. Don’t make it a moral issue. Don’t let it define you globally as a human being. Make the most of your strengths, and try to put yourself in situations where you can maximize them. Whatever you’ve got, embrace it, work with it, go with it. Honor it. My guess is you have a lot.

     

     

     

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    #123088
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    gforcewarp9
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    Hi there,

    Thanks for response!

    I’ve been thinking about this all morning: after several bouts lately of seemingly  disproportionate reactions to my perceived failures, i.e: days of sever depression, crying, irritability, anger, etc, I am now starting to wonder if I don’t have a co-morbid mood disorder.

    I used to think I got into these funks because I go through periods of low-self esteem, but I am beginning to wonder if there isn’t more to it. I have had episodes of Major Depression since before I was even a teenager, though I was  not diagnosed until much later. I had years where I didn’t suffer at all. lately however, I’m realizing that I go through shorter, but intense bouts of depression that leave me feeling exhausted and spaced out. I’m wondering now if I don’t have something like Bi-polar II. I don’t know, lord knows I don’t need yet another label, but I am really starting to get concerned with how my mood will plummet for days over perceived inadequacies or failures. I seem to lose all perspective for a few days, and when I come out of it I feel kind of mentally/emotionally  wiped out.

    I don’t experience anything like real mania, so I’ve never even entertained the thought I might have some form of bi-polar, but I’m starting to wonder.

    It seems to go beyond just accepting myself, as some days, I am A.O K with whatever monumental mistake(s) or awkward interaction I have. Much of the time, I don’t read to much into people’s behavior. Something just happens sometimes–something triggers me and switch seems to get flipped.

    So, while there is definitely an element of low-self esteem that I have to contend with from years of perceived failure, I dunno–I am beginning to suspect something else might be going on besides the ADHD. Very difficult to tease these things apart at times.

    Interestingly, I never seemed to have this problem when I lived in Southern Arizona, which is where I lived at the time I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 24. I remember being quite A.D.D, but otherwise pretty even-keel. I was then, as am now a pretty hardcore athlete and mountain biker, so I thought maybe all that exercise had something to do with it.

    However, for the last 15 years, I’ve lived in the Pacific Northwest, and I can honestly say that there has been an increase in both Major depressions and these shorter bouts since being in this gloomy part of the world–and  I’ve been mountain biking/training/lifting weights again for over a year, and this is still happening. Yikes! I have a life up here with my Canadian husband–should we move somewhere sunny? Am I imagining this potential correlation? Well, I digress.

    In any case–interesting, SBWA, you and Blackdog describe yourselves as introverts: extroverts get all the A.D.H.D attention, so to speak, don’t they?! I believe my husband has A.D.D, and he is clearly an introvert. While he can certainly socialize when he wants to, even be the life of the party at times–usually, he doesn’t want to. It takes way to much out of him. He would probably never, ever go to a party or a  social function if it weren’t for me.  If I want him to go to a school play or event for our son, I have to really bring out the big guilt guns.  Remembering birthdays, phone calls, anniversaries, etc…not his bag–which is o.k, I remind him to make plans to take us out on our Anniversary, and I don’t take that personally.  He hates to answer the phone with what I can only sometimes describe as a pathological passion.

    Interesting how we can all be so different yet still suffer from the same darn thing!

    Anyway, that’s my 2 cents for today. I’m trying to figure this all out because I’m so tired of suffering…I’m getting to old for all these ups and downs! (O.K, early 4o’s, but still)

    Thanks for listening…!

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    #123095
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    sdwa
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    Post count: 363

    For what it’s worth, I’ve had episodes of major recurring depression. Some people suggested I might be bi-polar but there is only one pole, so yeah….No.  I have a similar experience – something happens with a person, sets me off, I go into freak out / meltdown / depression / misery / giant spasm…and I stay like that for a few days. Can’t get out. Walk it, talk it, sing lullabies. Zip. Just a crummy time. But I know this will happen and I’m better prepared now to seek out a Significant Change of Venue.  Music, travel, fresh air, high comedy, whatever it takes. Don’t listen – change the scene, change the channel. It will pass. I used to read A LOT into other people’s behavior, but eventually figured out I have no clue, so why bother?

    I live in the Pac NW, also, and I’ve been here 20 years and am super sick of the oppressive, dank, moody, mossy, moldy darkness. Arizona sounds great, round about now.

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    #123098
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    gforcewarp9
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    Hi there–

    Yeah, I’m by no means diagnosing myself–I’m just wondering, because these depressive moods aren’t just depressive–a month ago I was really agitated as well.

    While I don’t have symptoms of “mania” apparently Bi-Polar ii, is much harder to diagnose, because the person suffers from “hypomania” which is mostly a period of elevated mood–which I would not at all be able to be sure I’ve experienced. When something is not extreme, it’s hard to figure out what the realm of normal is… sure I’ve had periods where I’m excited or happy for no particular reason, but is this “hypomania?”  In any case, from what I’ve read about Bipolar ii, the person suffers more from the depressive episodes, which are more frequent than they would be with major depression.

    I suffered from pretty major post-partum depression, which they also say can indicate Bi-polar ii, however– rapid speech? Different than being A.D.H.D rapid speech when exited or nervous? I don’t know…Elevated Mood? Different than the ups and downs of A.D.H.D? Hard to tell. No periods of spending sprees, or any other excessive periods of impulsive behavior that would be markedly outside my normal impulsivity and poor decision making…hmm.

    That all being said, I have been going through some real wing-dingers lately, where for a few days,  I am just–sad, irrational, experiencing overly excessive guilt, shame, etc. I can be irritable, or even really agitated the last time before this it happened, I was really “cognitively stuck” on things not going the way I wanted them to–and the more they didn’t go my way, the edgier and angrier and more out of control I started feeling. I mean, it was a little weird. The only thing I can say here, is that at the time, I had been taking Nytol and Melatonin to sleep, and I wondered if that had anything to do with it. Also, I’ve been taking Melatonin to sleep all week, and I’m just now reading that it could possibly exacerbate moodiness. However, I have dove off into these little deep-ends all by my self in the past, so I just don’t know.

    Anyway, if it is just regular ol’ A.D.H.D mood swings, I would love to find a way to do something about it. I feel out of control and not myself when it’s happening.

    Anyway, just thought I’d throw that out there…

    Thanks!

     

     

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    #123099
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    blackdog
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    Post count: 906

    “I’m good at keeping this up for a while, but not consistently.”

    Yup, that’s it in a nutshell.  That’s the problem I have with everything. I can use notebooks, white boards, post-it notes, calendars, timers…..for awhile. But then eventually I forget to look at the white board. Then I’ll look at it and read my reminders think “oh, yeah, I have to do that” and maybe update a couple of things…..then forget all about it again.  It’s the same with sticking to a diet or excercize routine or a schedule for doing house work.

    The perspective certainly does help, realizing that it’s not the end of the world and things could be worse. But the reality is, though we feel bad for the family living in fear in Afghanistan, or the homeless guy freezing out in the cold, it doesn’t change our lives, our circumstances. And our struggles are real and they are having a real effect on our lives.

    So it’s important not to belittle ourselves and keep perspective in our everyday life as well. It’s not the end of the world if  you forget to return a library book. And foot-in-mouth disease is not fatal. Neither is embarrassment. By not worrying so much about the little stuff you free up more space in your brain for the things that are truly important.

     

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    #123100
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    gforcewarp9
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    Post count: 38

    I agree. The affect my A.D.H.D has on my life is very real. My “perspective” trick is only meant for when I’m really in a state of anxiety, agitation and depression over perceived failures. Sometimes when I’m really in a dark place, I have to think of SOMETHING to be grateful for–it’s like throwing myself a life-raft.

    Yeah, the routine thing. That’s just it: I feel so good about myself when things are going smoothly: i.e, I remember to return library books, I don’t forget my kids events, I pay the bills on time, and I remember to take out the trash. But when all my little routines–notes, lists, checking calendars, etc. start to fade away, and the chaos comes back, I fall into MAJOR funks. Actually, to call it a “funk” is putting it mildly. I really hate this roller-coaster. I just want to be normal! Or– I don’t want my self-esteem dependent on whether or not I’ve fallen off the organizational wagon.

    That’s just it: are these mood swings I experience just a symptom  of a poorly functioning self-esteem? Do I just feel good about myself when I’m on track, but come crashing down when I’m not? Because, if so–that is TORTURE. That’s basing my worth on something external, and I am routinely setting myself up for failure. However, I’m still not sure if that’s all there is to it. I don’t know if that is it, or if there is something else going on–maybe hormonal? My reactions to perceived hurts, slights, rejections, failures and even criticisms can really be so out of proportion to reality, that I have to wonder what the hell is wrong with me at times. It causes a lot of problems in my marriage–probably MORE than the A.D.H.D symptoms.

    For some reason, when it comes to my son, I feel really, really wretched when I realize I’ve forgotten to take him to a friend’s birthday, or an event, or that I am always forgetting it’s pajama day, or finding wrinkled up forms at the bottom of my purse that needed to be signed weeks ago…racking up $175 dollars in fines on HIS library card from losing books. (in my defense, we moved twice in 4 months)  Today, I FINALLY remembered to turn in a Hot Lunch form so that he can get hot school lunches twice a week. I found the form at the bottom of my backpack, a week and a half after my son brought it home, wrinkled, creased, dirty, with bits of food stuck to it here and there. I turned it in at the school with my check and placed it on top of a whole pile of perfectly clean, white, tidy, neatly written out forms, and it just felt like a referendum on my worth as a mother. I know, silly. Really silly. However, if I get a few things happening like this over a course of a few days…down I go and it all starts to snowball.

    Who cares about tidy white forms anyway? Why do I CARE?

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    #123102
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    blackdog
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    @gforcewarp9

    I’m having a really hard time focusing today so I’m kind only able to skim and respond to bits and pieces of your comments.

    You are right to be concerned about your mood. You should discuss it with your doctor. I wouldn’t worry so much about having another label stuck on you. It’s more important to get the right diagnosis and get the treatment you need. Your welbeing is what matters.

    I have wondered if I have Bipolar II as well. What you describe sounds a lot like my experience. But I have been tested several times and never tested positive for Bipolar. It may be cyclothymia, which is like a mild form of bipolar. Or it may just be the natural mood fluxuations that come with ADHD.

    Also, as you get older, you may experiences changes in your mood  and in how your ADHD presents. So there may actually not be anything new or undiagnosed, just the same things in a different way.

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    #123105
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    gforcewarp9
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    Ha ha, no worries–it’s funny, because as an A.D.D’er, I can sometimes be long winded, which makes it really hard for other A.D.D’ers to actually follow what I’m saying for long…:)

    Yeah, I dunno. I don’t know if I have any other criteria for Bipolar–I have been through extensive tests, so maybe this is just a normal part of ADHD mood swings. Or I seem to recall, my original Psychologist that tested me mentioned in the lengthy report I got after testing and interviews, that there was a good possibility of an underlying mood disorder– I actually think he may have called it cyclothymia. I believe it was stated that it was not “ruled out” or something to that affect.

    It just seems like, it’s been worse lately. My moods do seem to be triggered by events–like I said, perceived “failures” or monumental mistakes or awkward encounters. However I would say, I DO NOT always react so strongly to these situations. It seems like, much of the time, I might have these disappointments and immediately be able to put them in their proper perspective– and then once and a while, my mood goes black for several days…and it’s not “mild” either. I’m crying, irrational, depressed…my ability to deal with life fly’s out the window: I’m snapping at my kid, my husband, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to talk…I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel guilt, shame, the WORKS. it’s like I just fall down a rabbit hole for a day or two, and when I come out, I feel pretty worked over for a day or two. I also usually have a lot of apologizing to do.

    But yeah, seeing a doctor is a great idea. I am going to see if I can make an appointment tomorrow. Why speculate when I might be able to get some real answers. I am definitely tired of feeling whip-sawed, and my husband thinks I’m in need of serious help (though he won’t go to a doctor for his own depression!)

    Anyway, thanks everyone for letting me talk this out.

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    #123115
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    sdwa
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    I agree with blackdog that it’s probably a good idea to talk to your doctor and find out.

    I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, and just assume that it is part of the ADHD – the “emotional disregulation” part where once a mood gets underway, it’s like a freight train, unstoppable and extremely heavy and potentially destructive.

    What I find is that the best thing to do – and this can be difficult, because the obsessive thoughts are LOUD and insistent, and have a kind of gravitational force that traps me until it burns out on its own – is to do ANYTHING – anything at all – to get my mind on something else.  Run out in a rainstorm. Watch half a dozen comedies. Put on happy music. Smell a jar of cloves. Some kind of sensory experience that won’t allow me time to think.

    Because if I’m in that state, I could spend six hours crying on the floor next to my washing machine. And that’s no fun at all.

    My kids didn’t get free school lunch because I forgot to fill out the forms. Or they didn’t get to go on their field trip. Or I didn’t make it to the school on curriculum night and now have no idea what’s going on.  I was supposed to plan a cool birthday party and totally screwed it up. I know the feeling. You are not alone.

    It’s funny, I used to be an artist. I was a painter. That’s all visual analysis – looking at stuff, adding stuff, mushing it around. But I would go nuts in my studio. I would obsess and talk to myself and cry and rant and pace and generally feel depressed as hell. In the past few years, I’ve shifted my focus to creative writing. What I’ve discovered is that when I’m writing, there’s no room in my hyperactive little mind to obsess about mundane stuff. I’m fully engaged, and all the emotional garbage I go through becomes a resource for emotions on the page – I can actually use that stuff in a constructive way in the lives of the characters in the story.

    As a result, when I’m writing, my life feels pretty perfect. When I’m not writing, I go back to nutty squirrel land, and usually in just a matter of days. But my point is, if you can’t fight it or stop, maybe you can transform or channel it into something else.

     

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    #123117
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    gforcewarp9
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    Thank you, SDWA.

    Yeah, I dunno. I just feel like I have this heavy weight tying me down, or heavy fog that I swim around in or something to that effect.

    I feel so frustrated always coming to this place. I feel like have to try 10 times harder, if not more, to just deal with ordinary life stuff. I feel great when I’m on top of it for a while, but crushed as soon as it starts slipping.

    You know, I’m 43. When I was a little kid, everyone told me how “smart” I was. All the adults in my life told me how “talented” I was–at art, at writing, singing, acting. I had so much potential.

    Even now, when people see the few paintings I’ve managed to finish over the years, despite the fact I have no formal training, (other than art classes, but not painting specifically) they tell me, “Wow, you should really keep doing this, your paintings really pop.” In fact, my Aunt who is an Art History professor, thinks I could make a living at it.  Then, there is my writing. When I was 12, a school teacher friend of my mothers, loved one of the stories I wrote for a school event so much, she thought it should be published. I was told by my acting teacher when I was 12, that I had “college level” acting abilities. As an adult, I got an A on all my essay’s for my College English class, (though, I’m sure my comments here need some editing) and I was the Music Editor of a local, volunteer run paper. Everyone said “You’re a  writer! That’s what you should be doing!” Or, they hear me sing, and they say, “You’re a singer! That’s what you should be doing!” Or they see the clothes I make out of recycled t-shirts, and they say, “Wow, you’re so creative! This is what you should be doing!”

    Well, what am I doing? I’m 43. My sewing room is a mess. I haven’t done any sewing for a year since I started mountain biking again. I was going to get my hats made for the Christmas fair, but as I just saw the poster for the fair, it’s to late already, again. I said the same thing last year. Every year I think, “I should try out for a choir,  and every year goes by with me not having done it. I just forget. Every year I think, I’m going to practice my guitar more and learn 5 songs ALL THE WAY through: Not happening. As for writing, well I do most of it on the comments section at Truthdig. Pretty much a waste of my time.

    What I’m getting at here–the thing that sometimes really gets me down–I mean really, really down– is that growing up, when I wasn’t in trouble for one thing or another, I was told how “smart” I was (if only I’d “apply” myself) I was told how “talented” was. People expected me to do something GREAT with my life.

    Instead, I dropped out of high school, ran away from home, and since then I spent most of my life marginally employed and marginally housed.  I’ve struggled to get by and just live, let alone pursue all these talents I supposedly have. I’ve been fired from nearly every stupid menial job I’ve ever had, which is apparently all I’m qualified for as a high school drop out.

    I’m 43, and what the F*CK does it matter if I have all these “talents” if I can’t ever do anything with them? What’s the point of being “smart” if I can’t stick with school or anything else? I wish I could just give my “talents” and “smarts” to somebody who could actually do something with them.

    I’m sorry, I keep trying to pull myself out of this crappy hole of self pity, but I just can’t seem to pull self out of it right now. I’m angry and I wish I could find some help I’ve had a diagnosis since I WAS 24! What good has it done me? I’m still not getting anywhere.

    I don’t have my residency in Canada yet, so I can’t get free medical at the moment (long story) and I can’t afford to see a therapist or Coach. This has pretty much been the story of my life. I need help but I can’t afford it. People will say, ” can you afford not to? And I’ll say, well, I already need to pay car insurance, rent, and my kid needs new shoes and a winter coat. So, no I cannot “afford” $90 a week even every 2 weeks.

    Sorry. I’m ranting into the wind.

    I’ve got laundry to put away, that hasn’t been put away in a week. I’m going to go do that now, and then maybe I’ll at least feel better about that.

    Thanks

     

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    #123121
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    blackdog
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    Post count: 906

    @gforcewarp9 – Something I mean to say in my other response in the other thread and forgot…..Maybe you haven’t been on the right medication, or the right dose. Maybe something else would work better for you. Or you might need a combination of more than one. It might help to add an antidepressant too. Boosting your mood will also help your focus.

    At least you have a sewing room and have done some sewing. I picked up an old Singer machine at a garage sale months ago and it’s still sitting in my living room. I got as far as dusting it off and plugging it in to see if it works.

    I haven’t done a painting in about 20 years. I decided to get back to working on my art a few months ago and the result was a few random unfinished sketches in a book that is now collecting dust in the pile of other unused sketch books and assorted junk. I have no idea where my pencils are.

    You are not alone. This is all very common for people with ADHD. So don’t beat yourself up. It’s just a part of who you are and you are an awesome person.

     

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    #123122
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    gforcewarp9
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    Post count: 38

    Thank you, Blackdog.

    I like your username–I have two, really big black dogs! They are Newfie/Lab/Belgian Shepherd mixes, and they are wonderful. They came as a package deal with my husband, and I promptly adopted them.

    I swear to god/ess, if you catch me in few days, my crap colored glasses will have been re-adjusted. That being said, this stuff that’s coming out of me right now, boy, do I EVER want it to

    I know, intellectually at least, that I’m not the only one that hasn’t lived up to there “potential.”  I just want more for myself. I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll be having these same feelings and having this same rant in 10 years. 20 years. 3o years…oh–to late, time to die.

    My brother is the  Web Editor of a weekly newspaper that just won an award for “Best Web page in North America. I am really, really happy for my brother. It’s funny though, I was the one that got aaaaalll the attention for my talents when we growing up. Where is my award? I know, that sounds terrible, doesn’t it? I can’t even just be happy for my brother’s achievement and leave it at that? I lOVE my brother.

    The jobs I’ve held in my life include,  barrista, call center customer service person, “exotic dancer,” short order cook, prep cook, waitress, bartender, stage hand, Alaskan cannery worker, salmon troll boat deck hand, sawmill helper, landscape laborer, a stint as a free lance reporter,  and  boat refinishing  (painting/fiberglass repair, varnish, etc.)

    I was fired from everything except: exotic dancer, stage hand, cannery worker, sawmill helper, and boat re-finisher, and free lance reporter. That last one was on a “need only” basis for a very small paper.  Many of these however, were seasonal or temporary.   Now, between all of these, I spent a lot of time unemployed and looking for work and trying not to feel bad about myself. For a while, I tried going back to school. I kept having to stop because I couldn’t afford it, or…I don’t know why–probably a lot of good reasons I think, my life always seemed to be one crises after another.  Choices, however,  aren’t always great when your poor. Come to think of it, they’re mostly lousy.

    I haven’t worked in a few years. I am supposed to be retiring in what, 2o some odd years? Retiring…from what, exactly? What money am I going to live on? I’ve paid almost nothing into social security. I don’t have “savings.” I live in fear of being an old homeless lady pushing a cart full of cat food (and I won’t have a cat, get my drift?)

    I only have one kid. What if he moves to Japan (oh wait, NOT Japan–Fukushima has “fuk-ud” up Japan.) and I just get a Christmas card from him every year that I pick up general delivery (because I’m homeless,)  that says, “Wishing you a Merry Christmas. I hope your well,   you’re loving Son.” Aaaaahhhhh…and she wakes up in a cold sweat.

    Criminey, there I go, off on tangents again.

    You’re right, I shouldn’t be so darn hard on myself. I know other people are struggling. I’ve known A LOT of other very bright, talented “strugglers.” Lots. Too many, in fact.In Port Townsend, I used to say my friends and I were in the “struggler’s club.”

    I just want to accomplish some goals, pursue some long lost dreams, and maybe…I dunno, DO something with one of those “talents.”  Before I’m dead.

    Is that to much to ask?

    Come to think of it, I could have just written that 3’d to last paragraph, and called it a day. Instead, I’m writing you a Novella of my life. As if my story is so damn important!

    On that note, thanks for all you’re responses. I really, really appreciate someone who can have empathy and be the voice of reason, when I’ve lost it and tossed reason out the kitchen window.

    Thanks.

    Oh yeah, I’m on Vancouver Island.  I just googled for support groups, and couldn’t find anything. I’m going to keep lookin’ around to see what I can find.

    Thanks. Again! Oh yeah, and I don’t always just go on and on and on and on about myself. And I bet you’re wondering, “I see that she’s edited this…why isn’t it shorter???”

    Goodnight! 🙂

     

     

     

     

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