andreaaaaaahParticipantMarch 13, 2018 at 6:15 pmPost count: 10
I’m new here. I’m a happily married female in mid 30’s. I’m also a veteran. I served honorably 5 years and did the whole Afghanistan thing. Yeah, I do have ADHD. I never advertise that or use that as an excuse. I wanted to join so bad though and didn’t want that to stand in my way of anything. I was diagnosed with many things as a teen, most likely due to severe self esteem issues(I was beautiful, thin, etc but didn’t “feel” that way, just never “felt” like I related to or was accepted by anyone my age) and those wacky roller coaster hormones. From age 14 to 20 I was diagnosed with everything from Bipolar Disorder, paranoid schizophrenia, Dissociate Identity Disorder, etc.
You know what though.. some of that was my fault because I was sort of a drama queen, yet a lot of it was real in my head then. Also.. I should not have trusted doctors and answered their questions with a bit more caution.
By age 20 my hormones and my maturity must have balanced out enough and my body had been put through enough with all the different medications I had been prescribed during those years. I finally got a good doctor at a whole new clinic. A wise old owl doctor who listened to my story and knew what was up.Blah Blah blah.. He prescribed me Ritalin and the moment it kicked in, it changed my life because it made me calm down like a high. I had a whole new perspective and realized just how/why I frustrated so many people and myself. I was always late for work..always.. everything that I just couldn’t get right before wasn’t going to be an issue. “One thing at a time!” That phrase was doable to me now!
I had to join the military though. It was my big dream. I secretly thought it would be my best chance finding my niche and career in life because I attempted college programs at least 4 times at this point with no success. I was doing my best. I always had a job and an apartment with one of my sisters. I just knew I wanted more but felt I sucked at life so much, the Navy would be my best bet. At 23 I told my doctor I wanted to get off my Ritalin so I could enlist. I knew I would get plenty or structure and forced motivation. Blah blah blah..I did it. I did soo many things during that time I don’t even know how I did them. Well, I credit it to God. His hand I held hard so many times. I prayed sooo hard sooo often. God was with me. I know I struggled more than most people with many things but I also prayed a lot. I also knew I just always had to do my best and that’s all I could do. What an exciting time it was though also!
Looking back, I was hardcore. I loved the action and adventure. I acquired the tough skin. I was strong and invincible mostly. Actually, on the inside, I “felt” so inadequate and many times like I never really “got it”. You know? I just faked it til I made it, yah know? Anyway. I did stuff I never knew I was capable of..physically with the mental part catching up later in most cases. I was a Navy Seabee and I still love the dirt. I miss mindless paid work where I can be dirty and no one cares. Well, I can dig up new garden beds now all I want in the right months. I will stay outside in the garden all day if I can. Rain or shine, I will dig in it and love it. I’m still so strange to my peers. My hobbies and music preferences are all those of a 60 yr old woman yet my maturity level and mindset best relate to a 3rd grader. Anyway, I got off all medications over a year ago and I do not drink alcohol anymore. Alcohol is a whole other story that I ended. I self medicate in other ways now and that’s how I stumbled here. I am doing my best and I will not go back on pills but I want to do and be better. I want to be my very best but.. I constantly fall short. I am here for support and to relate to others. Even though I have many people who love me and accept me with all my glitter, most still point out how “different”/weird” I am. Then people wonder why my husband and I want to live off grid.
If you read all that, cool! Can you relate to anything? I am a female..not a butch… like it may sound. far from it. I loove my man and he is my Paul Bunyan. I just like to do more stuff outside than in the kitchen.andreaaaaaahParticipantMarch 13, 2018 at 6:43 pmPost count: 10
I was last on Adderal and Citalipram (Sp) -VA Issued. My military file says I’m diagnosed with Depression, ADHD, and PTSD. I have been off all prescription-man-made drugs for over a year now. I had to get off of my pills, they didn’t help our fertility issues. Gosh, that’s a whole other can of worms. Anyway, its been a real struggle but I am thankful to have all of my limbs and a healthy body. I know even writing this out would be more clear and concise if I was under the influence of my old ADHD medication. I just can’t go back to them. I won’t.That Guy with ADHDParticipantMarch 14, 2018 at 5:11 amPost count: 101
Hi and welcome to the forum Andreaaaaaah!
There are people on this forum who I’m sure can relate to you, as can I. Except maybe for the fertility thing 😀. Like you and many others with ADHD we can work hard and still feel like imposters. We pose as regular members of society but underneath don’t feel like we fit in or deserve anything we have. We struggle at times just to get by. I guess in the armed forces there was probably enough adrenalin to keep you going through the tough stuff. I think you might have a career as a gardener or landscaper by the sounds of it.
Good luck on the fertility thing. I’m sure God is looking out for you.
AKA That Guy with ADHDhalobenderParticipantMarch 14, 2018 at 5:55 amPost count: 5
First of all, thank you for your service.
Now, informalties. Hello and welcome to the club. The online consortium of the loons and scholars alike. I can assure you that you are among friends as well as people who can directly relate to your statements or even lack of.
I’m hoping to keep this short and sweet so bare with me if a few paragraphs goes full-on novel and you find yourself swept away into a nightmarish good time that is my life. I suppose it’s an adddddddd thing. All the kool kids do et!
You sound like a super awesome chick! Even with all of the talk concerning CrAZy! Having been on so many different pyschotropic drugs and coming out of it and living what most consider to be a normal life is one thing. You on the other hand came out of it and pushed yourself to do something off cuff. That’s doing something and doing it right. I applaud you for your hard work and dedication.
I sit here reflecting on your keyed strokes as if you were sitting here with me shooting the breeze. The description you relayed concerning yourself depicts a wild yet insanely fun alluring personality. I envision you always smiling and having a vibrant glow about you as well as an intoxicating laugh. Those things only go to show that the unbeknownst uncoming nightmare of ADHD can even be found in prettt girls. Those things also go to show for what you stand to lose if you find your way back to our little capsuled friend.
You spoke of God and I for one can appreciate your faith, so I will add to that. Self medicating or going through a doctor for legalities will not help you. Unless the help you are seeking is losing your soul, your life force. I say so personally on many levels.
Back… way way way back… before I knew about the curse, life could and would often times get tough. Many days the same as you I struggled. Focus, initiative, drive, passion. All traits I possessed. Sadly traits that were always invested in the most in opportune ways. Growing up I believed it was all run-of-the-mill normal. That’s if anyone of us are “normal”. Personally I don’t believe any of us are normal, nor are we intended to be. We are all different in every way imaginable. It’s society that pushes us into boxes and defines what is or should be the norm. Then on the other hand society wants the world to shift into believing random one-offs should be normal.
Today I’m of the belief that most people out there deal with the same things we do. Their brains and chemical make-up are just wired in a different way that makes dealing with such things easier for them.
Anyhow my story. Continued. School. Man oh man school. I hated it. It hated me even more so. I did nothing in school. I took the most advanced classes that were offered. Although I didn’t pay attention in class and sure as hell didn’t bother with homework. I had a plan and having to endure being there and running at the speed of everyone else. Not to say that I’m more advanced because only an idiot would claim to be something they are not. I will say this though. My thought was just give me the information and let me take a test. Hell I wouldn’t have even have minded homework had it not entailed repetitious question and answer garbage. I was different. I knew it. I didn’t belong. Unlike you however I wasn’t a hot chick so I made the most of what I had and become a stoner. Oh yeah. I slowed myself down. Still didn’t bother with homework. Still scored highest on tests, and still maintained a good gpa. Oh those were the good days. Yeah right. Said no cursed person ever.
As time grew on. Many a bong hit later. I was so damn chill that even my OCD had somewhat tamed. It however, as most things in life are, was merely temporary.
The real world. I had plans. BIG effin plans. I was ready to tackle the world. Or at least at one point I was. Not now though. I had managed to tame myself so much in my quest of normalcy, and no it wasn’t all weed that brought me to that point, but still it did contribute. I lost all of those traits that set me apart from the herds of sheep. I even somewhat fit in, with the lowly portion of public that is.
The two ton bus. You know those days where you feel terrible? The ones where even the thought of movement is intolerable? Perhaps not, perhaps you don’t have those, but you’ve surely been ill and felt as such. I don’t recall much of that day but there it sits in the back of my mangled mind, behind all of the randomness, that randomness that is mine. There I was or perhaps there I wasn’t. I’m not sure anymore. There were no emergency service personnel in sight, no damage to be seen, not even a single tire imprint. Yet… there I lay. A literal wtf before such a thing were the thing. Where was I. Not merely in a physical sense but also where had my life gone?
The dream of reality. Through the fog of time itself, I invisioned the simpler times. Times when being me seemed impossible. Yet even today what I would give to be back there. Or wouldn’t I? For now was then and a new plan was fashioned much as the first. I could see it, the BIG red ribbon stretched out across my path, as if the race stood a chance to be won. If only I had an Uber to take me there. Alas this race was my own and getting there had to be my own doing, and not shouldered as the burden of unknown.
My friend Doc Brown. Yep. That is in fact a reference to the greatest time traveler, that time will never know. Nor did I actually know him, or the flux capacitor, or ever experience 1.21 gigawatts. For Pete’s sake, I wasn’t on that many drugs. Still, I had to get back to the past in order to make it to my future. That was the plan anyhow.
Piggybank-a-cade : penny for good luck. It actually was pretty easy back when. Turning things around went much better and was far easier than I had imagined. Pennies were everywhere and filled the piggy bank quickly. Luck as well seemed to be on my side. I was clean. I felt good. I lived real life. Change was had. It was not long after that my dream of normal reality started to take shape. A blossoming career. A beautiful woman by my side. Settling down. A normal family sort of thing. Even a baby on the way. All the way up until the time that ceased to be such. Life was too fast, too demanding. My ability to multitask had returned some time before. Along with it came the other stuff. I could no longer juggle staying steps ahead by envisioning every possible outcome prior to. I too looked for help. This time I found it in a bottle. Opiates. Where had these things been?! I could again do anything. Then what began as a simple quick fix became something far more demonic. I didn’t feel. Not a single damn thing. For my soul was gone. The two ton bus was back, at the wheel, the shadow of my formal self. After the coma I woke to see it there upon the table. Dear John….
That’s what she said. I kid you not. That is in fact what she said, moreover, that’s what she wrote. I suppose it wouldn’t have hurt as bad had my name been Ralph or Anthony. Anyhow don’t get the wrong picture. I wasn’t some strung out junky drug addict. I was a highly respected professional in my field. I was not even an addict. I just used those pills to help me feel normal. To guide my focus among other things. Really. No one even knew. What was her problem anyhow? I was personable. So out of my normal box. People liked me.
Lassie where are you? It didn’t taken long after that to see things as they were and not as I had saw them. As such again I called for a Mulligin. But this time I found myself trapped in the bottom of a well. I was shut down and even shut up. I had no clue who I was or where to find me. Truly soulless. Without feeling. Lassie happened along in the birth of my little girl. Again hard work and determination brought me out of the darkness. Slowly I reappeared. Senses as well as sense returned. Joy and laughter again filled my spirit. You know what they say though? The past always repeats itself.
The second hand waits for no one. Time swept by. Then again the, for better lack of a word, the quirks of add resumed. This time I was better prepared. My coping and ability to overcome was barnone. Life was always at times frustrating and difficult. The curse is not actually normal and most fail to understand and see the difficulties and even beauty of adhd. Note that to this point in life I still knew basically zero about the curse. Nor had I had a diagnosis.
Doomsday. The devastation that is believed to accompany WWIII is much the same as I felt the day when I received the curse diagnosis in my adult life. At the same time a certain peace came about me. Looking back it all made sense. So now how do I fix it? I mean it’s fixable right?
Dr doom’s orders : the red pill, or blue pill. So there I sat in doctor dooms lair, astonished at the news of the curse. His answer to fixing “it” was the red pill or blue pill. Not knowing any better I chose red. Actually orange. After my previous bouts I had grown a stance against pharmaceutical treatments for most things. But…. life was again so taxing and I found myself worrying of becoming what once was. This was after all perscribed by the doctor after all. What’s the worse that can happen?
Now let me tell you. Given the nature of the curse and our eagerness to rapidly lose direction I personally believe having the curse inclines us to have a more addictive personality.
With that said. My worries were out the window the first day on the treatment. My mind clicked better than ever had it before. I thought, I did, it was magic. I’m not kidding. I may as well have had a wand and walked around with a scar on my forehead. This continued but only for a while. The euphoric feeling of being alive faded. Focus drifted worse than ever to things that require or warrant not.
Tonight I pen this book. My soul again faded. Lacking feeling of any kind. I’m here to tell you that I’ve been to the future that awaits several times. The answer is most assuredly not in manmade chemicals. Although a definite checmical imbalance seems to be the cause. Continue on in your struggle. Drugs are easy and quick. The price however is not worth while. My struggle to find myself again the hardest yet.
Be beautiful and magical. The smiling face full of joy that I envision. Get some sun. Practice good habits of schedules. Eat healthy balanced meals. See a therapist or even chat with those here that get it. Many here can offer sound advice on alternative treatments/lifestyles.
The worst of you today is better than the best of a medicated you in the future. But you seem to know that already.
Hope my story helps
– halo “I may be cheap, but I’m easy”andreaaaaaahParticipantMarch 14, 2018 at 7:36 pmPost count: 10
Thanks! Both of you! Wow! There is a lot more to all of our stories of course. The fertility thing- well that was initially the main reason to get off my pills but then after a certain point and with all my animals (dogs, chickens,etc) I realized infertility may be a gift from God. HA. It could still happen and we looked at foster/adoption.. but, no thanks today!! We have a great marriage and we’re around kids enough to feel that fulfillment, or whatever.
Halobender.. I think you described me fairly accurately . I am always happy, smiling and full of light and laughter. I live to be in the sunshine. I stay away from negative people and try to pursue peace with all people. I just like to laugh and focus on the positive. Any other attitude or thinking leads to a dark hole.
Naturally, I was super hard as nails-no-one-mess-with-me when I first got out of the military. Being a female in a man’s world taught me a lot. I was definitely not a drama queen in the military and I probably tried too hard to fit in with the boys club. Men are just waaay easier to get along and work with. There’s not all this emotional and catty BS all the time. Anyway, but there’s also downsides to being one of the 10%-15% females. I don’t need to get into any of that though.
And my self medicating is not at all going into any opioid trail. No way!! I spent a lot of time in California while I was stationed there and after. I I believe in the green to treat many things versus the majority of these pills that have major chronic side affects. Opioids or any form of them in a street drug I am super against and am not even curious to try. I tripped off acid one time when I was 15 and that scared the crap out of me! I have been somewhat wild and super outgoing but I was still very sensible about rules and the law. I do not like to get into trouble. I like to have a clear conscious so I can sleep at night! I would get yelled at so much for not being on time, etc.. stupid little stuff that everyone else never had an issue with. Why give people more amno to yell at me! Ha! Right? I did finally complete a college program finally not too long ago. That was like a major milestone!
Halobender– Thank you for your story, advice, encouragement, and care. I want to hear about your soul being lift up again.. I believe it will happen for you again. You need to believe that though too. Treatment? I got a lil fuzzy with your story…The green stuff became like a gateway drug for you? What about now if it was regulated somehow? Then again, maybe it would always be a slippery slope for some.
I am really working on healthy habits. I got animals that keep me structured. Ha. I am really really super blessed in life right now. I did recently lose my full-time (new career) job recently(most likely due to my ditzy nature with a boss who was super together and perfect/organized at everything..seeing I was not) so I’m only working part time now again. It kind of made me feel like a failure but yet I have way less stress since getting fired from that boss. I know I frustrated him. His personality type was intolerant to repeating instructions more than once. I know I did my very very best though. I have no reason to complain about anything in life. I just want to make sure I am doing what I’m suppose to be doing.. I have it really good and I don’t feel like I deserve it so I just try to be my best. I thank God for my husband each and every day! He makes it so easy for me. I know other women my age who hate on me because I probably have it so good. I try not to take anything for granted though! The more thankful I am the more I seem to be blessed with.
I’m excited to keep reading others stories on here because I know others have had different and probably tougher strides to take in life. They have faced more people treating them like an idiot longer or with harsher situations. I only meet someone like minded once in awhile. Its always sooo refreshing!! Well, I know I get all this from my mom.. its so clear.. That kind of mirror image strives me to be better though.andreaaaaaahParticipantMarch 15, 2018 at 3:51 amPost count: 10
One of the things I’m seeking help for is my compulsion to talk constantly or “overshare” at times when its just not necessary. .case in point above, with which I can’t seem to edit and delete half the things I typed at this point. Good lesson for future reference. Also saying too many things I think aloud. Nervousness and anxiousness with people. I just want to be done with it. How can I get these things under control?-Being anxious around others leads me to talk excessively. Yeah, I do draw laughs somehow and usually most people like me.. or do they? Maybe they just give me a charity laugh? Either way, I’m not into entertaining people, I want so badly to be the quiet one!! I just need tricks or things that really work. I just wanna be around animals all day but that isn’t fixing my problem or realistic. I think it just goes back to being insecure inside though, which is kind of dumb. Isn’t that probably most people’s real problem and reason for anxiety though? We start to worry what others will think of us. Or we let the bad things that have been said to us stick in our brains and make it our truth. Its such a crappy thing.. being insecure. What is the trick to get over it?halobenderParticipantMarch 15, 2018 at 4:14 amPost count: 5
Oversharing. You don’t say. I’m not really sure if there is much to prevent that from occurring. Generally when I find myself doing that in person, it’s due to a nervous reaction as well. Although I’m not actually nervous. I just feel weird having whoever around if there aren’t words being said from either person. Almost as if. Okay awkward silence is finished. Quit looking at me. Go away. Let me do what I do.andreaaaaaahParticipantMarch 19, 2018 at 4:45 amPost count: 10
That pretty much sums it up for me too. Yeah. I really like when I’m with a talker so I can be the one to just sit back and zone out. But then again, sometimes I end up struggling hard to not interrupt them..I want to rid myself of this talky syndrome because I know the more I keep running my mouth the more awkward and super silly things I’m bound to spill out. I only shut up enough in the military out of fear and/or exhaustion. Of course I got in trouble many times too.
Yeah. “Compelled to Talk” would be a great title of another ADHD book. I’d buy that one too! I just get sick of being in the spotlight. I put myself there, but really, I don’t want to be there. I’m wondering if fidget toys or gum would help this? I should start doing experiments for myself. I am going to make it my mission because I am determined to be a quieter person in the second and third part of my life. Any suggestions before I start thinking up possible logbook entries and survey data for my future prognosis?chris80hdParticipantMarch 19, 2018 at 6:53 pmPost count: 5
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to a lot of what you’ve been through. Especially multiple diagnoses; I too have been diagnosed with the gamut of psychological disorders. I’ve been on everything from Ritalin to, most recently Effexor. Currently I am fighting through the withdrawal side effects of Effexor, which have been some of the most horrible days I have ever had.
Also, God. Where would we be without Him.
I hope to hear more from you, and plan on sharing more when I can. Take care, God Bless!That Guy with ADHDParticipantMarch 19, 2018 at 9:03 pmPost count: 101
You will find many forum entries talking about injecting yourself into a conversation and oversharing. It seems pretty common among our clan. It often takes all of my mental effort to keep myself out of things. I’m sure that I have ticked off a few coworkers by butting into their sales pitch with my own words of wisdom. 🙂
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