August 27, 2010 at 1:42 am #88507
BuxomDivaParticipantAugust 27, 2010 at 1:42 amPost count: 109
My 20 year old son had been planning to attend “the student school” to get the credits he still needs for high school. This would give him more options for post-secondary education.
After my mom sent him the money he needed to get his records from his former school to enroll in this new school, he informs us that he has found some mickey mouse job and he’s not going to return to school at this time after all.
I can relate to going for the immediate gratification (hence my obesity!) but my mother was in tears with me on the phone tonight and my mom just does not cry. She doesn’t entirely grasp the whole ADD thing but she knows the kid has a drinking problem which she blames for the way he wastes his money.
Has anybody got any suggestions for how to keep him in school or do we have to let him crash and burn and figure it out for himself?
~sigh~REPORT ABUSEAugust 27, 2010 at 11:09 am #95117
AnonymousAugust 27, 2010 at 11:09 amPost count: 14412
Just a quick word of advice from someone coming from a family chock full of alcoholics:
Please contact AA and tell them about your situation.
They can help you deal with your son if he has a drinking problem.
My brother was a member and I also attended meetings for family members affected by this. They are an amazing group of people who can help you and give you support, even if your son does not attend.
You are not alone in this.
Good luck and keep me posted.
: )REPORT ABUSEAugust 27, 2010 at 3:34 pm #95118
Patte RosebankParticipantAugust 27, 2010 at 3:34 pmPost count: 1517
@buxomdiva, I know you want the best for him, but, at 20, he’s technically not a kid any more. He’s an adult. You can give him guidance, and advice, but you can’t keep him in school, any more than you can force him to do anything else. Besides, most 20-year-olds are all over the place. Even the ones without ADHD don’t fully develop the executive functions responsible for impulse control and delayed gratification, until they’re around 26.
The money is another issue. If it was given to him for the specific purpose of obtaining his school records, your mother has the right to ask him to return it to her, since he won’t be using it for that purpose. In doing so, she should make it clear that, if he later decides he does want to go back to school after all, she’ll consider paying for the records at that time—but in the form of a cheque sent directly to the school that will be providing the records. That way, she’ll be certain that the money will be used for its intended purpose.
As for his “mickey mouse job”, it may be a good thing for him at this time. In some countries, it’s standard practice for students to take a “gap year” of working, travelling, etc., to figure out what they want to do with their lives, before continuing their studies. If he enjoys his job and is making some money, then it’s good for him. It’ll teach him responsibility, and help him stick to a schedule. He may eventually get bored with it and may realize that, unless he wants a lifetime of similar jobs, he’ll have to at least graduate from high school, and then you can *suggest* he reconsider going back to school. But maybe he’ll like that sort of job, and want to stick with it. Ultimately, it’s his decision to make.
Rick has blogged on the subject of wanting to help our friends & family (especially our kids) to better themselves and their lives so much, but that, ultimately, it’s up to them, not us. Parents want their kids to have a good career and a good family and a good life, but their idea of those things is often very different from their kids’. When I think back to the jobs and classes that my parents pushed me into, because they wanted “the best for me”—jobs and classes that caused me so much frustration and unhappiness that it was actually a relief when they ended badly—I know that Rick is right. My life is much richer now that I’m following my own path. Not financially richer, but happier and more satisfying. And isn’t happiness what we really want for our kids?REPORT ABUSE
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