How do I go on ..when everything is being taken from me

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How do I go on ..when everything is being taken from me 2014-06-18T15:53:58+00:00

The Forums Forums Emotional Journey I'm Sad How do I go on ..when everything is being taken from me

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  • #125413
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    Just Me
    Participant
    Post count: 9

    It’s been awhile since I’ve been on this site. But I.m at a loss I’m sad and don’t know how to go on. I have add which was diagnosed by dr.jain at CAMH over 16 years ago. since that time I’ve been on Dexedrine which had amazing results. I ended up in a relationship for 13 years we had 2 kids, lived in a home that I loved and renovated while being a stay at home mom while running an eBay store. But over time my relationship fell apart because my now ex couldn’t stand my first 2 children and I couldn’t continue being a mediator in between them ( which usually ended with ex mad at me because he believed I was on the kids side not his etc) so for the last year of the relationship I tried to break up and move on trying to first separate by having him move into our bsmt apt so the kids could keep us both in their lives…but once my ex realized we were never going to be together and that I wasn’t going to have sex with him, he had me removed from my home (we were not married so I was not on title) then took my kids by ex parte motion filled with nothing but lies.

    I was left with nothing no clothes, business, home or kids and so my fight began…It’s now been 8 months of my ex constantly make false accusations making up lies which most are based around my having add and the meds I take. He is claiming me mentally unstable…
    At one point the ocl became involved and stupid me thought …they’ll see through the lies….boy was I wrong!!!! Instead they got a medical report stating I was unstable by way of a doctor report that is over 17 years old!!! And done by a doc looking for study patients which In the end I didn’t qualify for the study and so that doc referred me to camh and dr jain whom then diagnosed me and treated
    Now ex has my kids and is constantly telling them lies about me and calls me names (the children have informed me of this) inter fears with my time with them calls me names and has made mad me appear to the courts as unfit all because I have add.
    I am sad I have no money or lawyer I don’t even qualify for legal aid anymore…I have nothing left and am at a loss as to how he is getting away with everything he is doing and has done. I get my kids every other weekend until this goes to trial (nov17) and it hurts me to the point I don’t want to get up anymore. I’m afraid I’ve lost my kids ( judge will most likely not give them back to me as they will be settled in a new school in sept and won’t disrupt them)
    I’m sad, I don’t want to get up , I don’t want to see tomorrow
    It’s totally unfair that my add is causing me such great loss.

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    #125415
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    nellie
    Member
    Post count: 596

    Just Me,

    If anything should give you a reason to get up in the morning  it is your children! Regardless of how bad things are  you have to  remember this.

    No one can take your place and from what you write your love for your children clearly shines through.

    Please draw on whatever strength you can find left  inside of you and continue to fight to get back on your feet. For your sake and for theirs. Your resilience and courage in seeing through this time will provide them with the greatest role model they could possibly have.

    Obviously you have talents and abilities if you can run a business. You may have lost all the material things in your life but  those talents are still there. They are a gift  for you to use in a different way now  in order to get your life back on track.

    I’m sorry that I don’t have any truly  practical advice to provide beyond take it one day at a time. Choose to do some small thing today to make it better – anything , even if it is only making your bed.

    Are there any social services that you can draw on or a family member to enlist as an ally?

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    #125418
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    Patte Rosebank
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    Post count: 1517

    @justme, the Family Courts take a very dim view of divorced parents who try to brainwash their kids into hating the other parent. So, please document this, and contact your family’s Social Worker about it, ASAP.

    I’d also suggest contacting your local Family Service Association, and this non-profit agency:  familyconflict.freeyellow.com/ . They can give you advice and emotional support.

    Please know that you’re not alone, and you’re not helpless…nor are your kids. They’re wise enough to see through what your ex is telling them.

    Accusing you of being “mentally ill”, based on a 17-year-old assessment, is way out of line. Not least because most of what we now know about ADHD was learned in the past 10 years.

    It isn’t a mental illness; it’s a different way of functioning, which is still greatly misunderstood and stigmatized—which makes things even harder for those of us who have it. Perhaps an ADHD “expert witness” would be able to enlighten your ex and the Court.

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    #125419
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    RitaFaye
    Member
    Post count: 18

    I have no words for what you’re going through, and you’re in my prayers and thoughts. I do agree with the above posters. Document everything!!!! What he is doing is wrong, but you have to document everything to prove it and contact your family’s social worker or your childrens’ social worker. Save answering machine messages, gather your own medical records, etc. I had to deal with an extended family member who most likely had a serious, severe mental illness (not just a difference in cognition, which is ADHD) and who refused to seek treatment. So I refused to talk to this person in private, only with witnesses. Didn’t answer the phone; let them leave messages which I saved, etc. (I was being accused of theft and manipulative elder abuse by this person–falsely. Didn’t reach the stage yours has, but I saw the signs and figured I needed to protect myself.) Take it one day at a time–the courts have their own process. Oh, and my saving stuff was not a complicated filing system–tossed it all in one folder, and when the answering machine filled up, I recorded them all onto my phone and dumped the file onto my hard drive. Took notes of actual conversations into an app on the phone–typed or voice notes.

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    #125422
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    blackdog
    Member
    Post count: 906

    @justme

    Larynxa gave you a good list of resourced there.

    I don’t really know much about these kinds of things, but I think maybe you should talk to your doctor as well and let him/her know what is going on and find out what you can do to fight the mental instability claim.  Unfortunately once you get that label stuck on you it’s damn hard to shake it off. It shouldn’t be that way but it is.  Get copies of  Dr. Jain’s assessment and and any other more recent medical documents that may help.

    In the meantime, it is very important that you give the appearance of being stable. It is perfectly understandable that you are feeling depressed, but you have to try not to let it show in any situation where he could use it against you, like when you have your visitations. And don’t criticize him or lash out in anger or say anything negative about him to your kids or anyone else who is involved. You have to take the high road so that everyone can see that you are the better person. And that way you can’t be accused of  trying to turn the children against him.

    And document everything, like the others have said. Also a good idea to never be alone with him or have any conversations without a witness.

     

    That’s really the only advice I can think of. Except to buy a punching bag and paste his face on the side of it. Like I said, I don’t really know anything about how these things work. And I don’t know how he is getting away with it either. Some people just seem to be able to get away with anything. But you keep fighting and get as many people on your side as possible. Don’t give up. Remember what you are fighting for.

    Best of luck.

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    #125424
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    Just Me
    Participant
    Post count: 9

    I thank you all for the advice and I know I have to hang in ..today I even got out of bed…I have got evidence of things he says and does (I even have a cAs report as evidence) but until I,m able to tell and prove my side they remain with him and in the end most likely because they have been with him the courts won’t remove them, because it’s not about the things that have transpired but about the kids remaining staus quo. It’s the hardest part for me to comprehend that in the end I may have to spend the next 12 years being the “other parent” which means me having to put up with my ex still controlling me which is the only way he can (through the kids and what he tells them about me)
    I don’t have family (the kids were my life and family) I,m not mentally insane I’m not crazy and I,m not perfect but I do have add which has made my life harder and having it used against me now is the hardest part of it all.

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    #125425
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    blackdog
    Member
    Post count: 906

    @justme

    I’my sorry to hear you don’t have any other family. I hope you at least have some good friends to support you.

    Don’t assume that they will choose to leave the kids with him. I know what you’re saying is true, but I think from what you have said you have a good case. What is best for the children is not always to maintain the status quo. It will depend a lot on the judge you get.

    When you say he is using the fact that you have ADD against you, do you mean that he literally is saying you can’t care for the kids because you have ADD? Or just that he is using your symptoms as  proof that you are unstable?

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    #125431
    Rick Green - Founder of TotallyADD
    Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD
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    Post count: 473

    Dear Just Me,

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. Divorce is rarely peaceful, I know, but your situation is especially challenging.

    It is especially tragic that he is using your ADHD as a weapon against you. So many people still have no idea that ADHD is even real, or, quite the opposite, they assume it is some kind of permanent death sentence.

    When I was going through my divorce, over a decade ago, I found that I withdrew from friends and family, and struggled on my own. In hindsight, a big mistake. So I am glad that you are sharing here. Just keep sharing, and keep us informed. The mere act of writing it down actually helps. It puts limits on it. When it was all in my head it was so easy for me to go to the worst case scenario. (The curse of the ADHD and the creative mind and my natural sense of drama.)  (Or melodrama.)

    But your situation really is dramatic. But it seems to me that it is not without hope. You have children you love. And no matter what happens they will always love you. They will. I know a number of cases where one parent turns the children against the other, and though it sometimes took years, eventually the kids figured out what was going on and it completely backfired. The manipulative parent is always exposed, and the children are angry at being lied to and used, and sad that they were taken in, and missed being with their mother or father. (Yes, I’ve seen it happen to both moms and dads, with lies and false accusations about illness or being abusive to their children.

    But the truth will come out.

    I know the future seems uncertain, and I cannot tell you have things will work out, but I can tell you that I have been at the very depths, facing the worst things a parent could face, and I got through it.

    You’ve been given some great resources and suggestions here. (And yes, I know, it’s easy for others to offer solutions. It takes something to move forward and do them.)  But if you can just focus on the next step, on the next thing, on one thing at a time… which is such a challenge for ADHD… and do that, you will find things start to move or shift.

    And though I’m not a therapist, I have found that I can stop my mind from racing ahead to imagine one catastrophe after another, the worst case scenarios, one emotional terror after another, but noticing the moment that I am feeling the panic and interrupting the chain of thoughts. I then tell myself, sometimes aloud, “Stop, Rick! No more! Let it go! You’re making up crap now! This doesn’t help. It makes you ill and weak and afraid and paralyzed.  It’s not going to help. And life almost never turns out as bad as I can imagine.”  And then I would consciously focus on something else. Or even better go and do something else. Burning off energy, engaging my mind, and getting something accomplished. Just doing the laundry would help. Just tidying the cutlery drawer. Or working on one of my hobbies, perhaps with music or the TV going.

    But I would decide ahead of time what I was going to do. I would already have something planned. So I wasn’t left, still in panic, wondering what I should do. Because when the emotional juice is a torrent and I’d be in a swirl, the idea of vacuuming the house seemed trivial and irresponsible. Rather than sensible. Each accomplishment, no matter how small, was a victory, at a time when I needed victories so badly. I saw each one as a positive step, not a pointless little win. Each one was a step forward because that’s what I decided it was.

    I don’t know if this makes any sense. I hope it helps.

    And as I said, keep us posted.

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    #125459
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    blackdog
    Member
    Post count: 906

    @justme

    I hope all is going well.

    I just wanted to add a couple of things (because I didn’t say enough already-haha).

    Where I was going with my question was that ADHD is a disability which is officially recognized. And as far as I know, it can’t be used as grounds to take your children away. It would be a violation of your human rights. Other people with disabilities raise children and do just fine.

    So, that might be something that works in your defence. But don’t go the human rights route unless you have to because it can take forever. (Or so I’ve heard. Keep in mind, I don’t really have any experience with any of this and probably don’t know what I’m talking about.)

    I do the ADHD thing too, like Rick  was saying. I will automatically race ahead to the worst case scenario and assume that I’m doomed. I expect to get fired from a job before I even start the job.

    And I make mountains out of mole hills too, blowing one little thing way out of proportion and obsessing over it to no end, getting caught up in my own thoughts so much that the outside world virtually disappears. My brain gets stuck on spin cycle and just keeps going around and around and around….. Until I manage to break the cycle and focus on something else. I did this just this past week and lost a whole week because of it. I didn’t get anything done in the house, or the garden, barely managed to throw something together for supper each night, and hardly slept for about 3 days. And it was just something silly. Really unimportant compared to the other things that needed to be done. But to me it became the most important thing in the whole world, the one thing that had to be focused on. I never understood why this happened before but now I do.

    So, I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t get stuck. Like Rick said, keep moving forward, one step at a time.

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    #125485
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    addjs
    Member
    Post count: 8

    My 2 cents- Have a friend go to court or the counsel with you, so you know and remember what is said. Even without ADHD, it is an emotional journey and things get lost or mistaken.

     

     

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