A tall tale, my life

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A tall tale, my life 2011-01-18T02:50:47+00:00

The Forums Forums Most X-treme! Pain A tall tale, my life

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  • #88999
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    Shadow Nexus
    Member
    Post count: 181

    Hello all. I found the PBS documentary channel surfing. I got the books through amazon. I’m reading “i’m not lazy, crazy, or stupid…”, chapter 1 and part of chapter 2. It was like looking in a mirror, watching the video. :) Now to my tall tale. I need to vent. This a complex and multi-layer tale.

    We start with an physical and emotional abusive childhood(nightmare is a good word), through 16 years when they leave out of state. I struggled with C’s and D’s throughout school to the end of high school(1988). A normal high school experience wasn’t even close, got in the last two dances of high school that was it. I started psychology counseling shortly after they left(1986).

    Started community college right after high school. Nearly failed out the first year. Someone came into the classroom talking about learning disabilities. I got tested and learned I had auditory and visual dyslexia. Also, I had a severe auditory memory deficit. My grades slowly rose over time with the extra time and quiet rooms. Still, it was very hard and I burned out every few years on 12 units per term. I spent the next decade(Fall 1988- Fall 1998) school or looking for work. When I was resting from burning out, I was looking for a jobs. I went to college’s job placement office and got help. I did the whole nine yards: resume, job interview skills, and every other detail. Guess the result, you’d think all that would do the trick. Guess again, nothing in my major or any job doing anything. In all that time, one person called me back to tell me I didn’t get the job. Any other calls were from telespammers. In all those sets of in-between years, nothing. Finally in spring 1988, I enough units to for a four year school. So, I setup to transfer to a four year school in the fall of 1998. I was living at home this whole time, except two short periods(one with relatives). Also, I got tested in 1995 and found I had ADD. I couldn’t afford treatment, no health insurance since 21.

    So, you must be asking, “what was my major?”. Starting in last term of middle school. I discovered had a knack for computers. I excelled at it and got an award for excellence at grad from high school. I continued it for a long time. I applied to San Jose State and got accepted in 1995. I spent a week there. I saw the future ahead ahead and didn’t like where I was going. All the computer jobs I didn’t get. It all added up. I made the hard choice.I did everything to close out, pack-up, and return home to start community again. A while later, I talked to someone in the learning disabled center about changing majors. She mentioned film/television. So, I tried and loved it! I took classes up to transfer to university as a film/television major, including the summer before. I packed up and left, taking the chance.

    University finally(Fall 1998), I got settled in. I got an off-campus apartment(noise nightmare), stayed that way the whole time. I got help from their learning disability center. I made it through semester after semester. I struggled and excelled. Again, classwork, no social life. I received some small scholarships. I got a screenwriting award and graduated Cum Laude. I had little money left. So, I couldn’t find a job in time. So, I had to move back home again(September 2001). Also, I keep in contact with one instructor from the university.

    Back home again(Spring 2001), starting the process of job hunting. Applying for jobs in my new major and out(and everything else). Same assistance from job placement doing it all again. Also, I had the help of Department of Rehab. I posted my resume at all the major websites. Guessing the result are you? Yes, history repeated itself.

    So January 2007 comes along, no changes at all. I’d had enough. I woke up and smelled the coffee brewing. I realized I had no chance of getting a “regular job”. I couldn’t be “packaged” and put in neat little box with bow. I applied for disability with help from a private group helping people with disabilities. I got it the first time(very rare) that fall. A few months after, I realized I didn’t have to live in my parents house anymore. I moved out .

    December 29, 2007. I got settled in and got all the basic tools. Guess what happened? Yes, another noise nightmare. Fall 2009, the noisy neighbor from hell moved out and things got better. It’s still bad at times, but manageable. I’v got places to go if things get too loud, a friend to hang out with and have fun. January 2011, the story continues… Does it have a happy ending? Only time will tell next chapter.

    I have state help to pay for my current meds. I had a very bad experience with Paxil in college that soured me to messing with my chemistry. When I saw the PBS video, I didn’t know the treatment with stimulants for ADD was proven effective and safe. So, i’m working on finding something to pay for it.

    I’v been working the past year on exploring independent business ideas, including a digital download for amazon, writing a book(finding a book publisher), and consulting in home computer problems. In 2004, I got my license and a car. So, I can travel to get basics and some entertainment. I’m making it, barely. The computer, i’m really good with what little I get. Also, relationships with women, think survival mode.

    Also, PLEASE don’t send me job this and that advice. I’v seen, heard, and done it all. Anything you say, i’v done at least 5+ times already. I’m done with interviewing, applications, and job hunting nonsense. Don’t send me “don’t give up” either.

    Why do I write this? I needed to vent a lifetime of hardship. For others, life can tough. No matter how hard life is, it could be lot worse. Trust me I know from experience. Also, I’v read something in the book about an “ADD Coach”. If someone/admins can find one who can work for free, contact me. Thanks.

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    #99331
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    Anonymous
    Post count: 14412

    Filmbuff,

    I can identify with some of what you’ve written. The most obvious thing I can identify with is the length of your post. Many of mine are lengthy too. My problem though, so you can hopefully understand me better, is that though I can write a lot about myself, I have a great deal of trouble reading lengthy posts from others. That said, I used my browser’s search features to look for a few key terms:

    Doctor

    Therapist

    Counselor

    …and several other related terms.

    I did find one sentence containing the terms “psychology” and “counseling” in reference to the counseling you got in 1986. The rest of the post appears to outline mostly job and work related history, along with some social interaction difficulties you’ve had over the years.

    I didn’t see very many details about treatment. I did see that you are currently on medication, so there must be at least one doctor involved, but not much, if anything, in the way of more information regarding any treatment you may be getting.

    I did also notice, in your words, “Anything you say, i’ve done at least 5+ times already,” in reference to job advice.

    Please try not to take this personally. When you make a statement like that, it reveals a presumption that “you’ve heard it all.” Yet, we haven’t even had the opportunity to offer you anything. You’re telling us not to offer any advice, because you’ve already heard it, but we haven’t even had the chance to say anything yet. How can you know that what we would have to say is going to be something you’ve already heard, when you haven’t yet heard what we have to offer?

    My point is, what you’ve written is obviously a rant. You’ve said as much, and I accept that. Sometimes we just need to vent and don’t want any advice. In such a situation any advice offered won’t be taken well anyway, so in a way it’s good to know not to bother.

    That said, I’m not offering any. Just the observation that the only reference you make in your post to anything related to therapy or counseling occurred over twenty years ago. I am not assuming that’s the only time you ever sought professional help, just noting that’s the only reference, and encouraging you to question why.

    If you have sought help since then, and it’s not working, I’m not going to tell you what to do, just repeat something I’ve heard myself. I’ve learned that if I’ve sought help, and don’t feel that the “help” is really helping, that it probably isn’t, and it is time to look elsewhere. Time to find another doctor, try different meds, or different doses, and seek therapy elsewhere if I’m already getting it.

    Coaches are great under the right circumstances. Coaches however, are but one tool, and aren’t very effective if underlying issues aren’t being addressed properly and thoroughly. No coach works for free. Somebody has to pay for it, but there may be some organizations (private or public), that have funding that can help you with that. I’ve no idea about that. The concept of coaching ADHD patients is brand new to me. I haven’t even had the opportunity yet to explore the possibilities. Hopefully someone else here can offer more information.

    It would probably help to know where you are in the world.

    Sorry I couldn’t offer more, but then, as you said, you weren’t asking for specific advice on much, so it’s probably best that I don’t even if I could.

    Just know that I HEAR you, and definitely feel for you. And I hope you find some answers.

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    #99332
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    Shadow Nexus
    Member
    Post count: 181

    >I didn’t see very many details about treatment. I did see that you are currently on medication, so there must be at least one doctor involved, but not much, if anything, in the way of more information regarding any treatment you may be getting.

    In the USA, that’s not covered. As stated the max number of sessions is six with a psychologist unless you have severe mental illness. Once I left school, I lost access to them in 2001. We have the worst health care system in the world. When someone can’t afford to reattach all of their fingers or go bankrupt because of medical bills, there is something seriously wrong. We are the only industrialized country without universal heathcare. Other countries laugh at our joke of heathcare system. Our for profit heathcare system was very bad idea from the start. Personally, I would move to another country if I had the money for it. Non-profit heathcare is a better idea that is government run. Rant over.

    I’d have to find free therapist to get tested. That’s not available to my knowledge.

    >did also notice, in your words, “Anything you say, i’ve done at least 5+ times already,” in reference to job advice. Please try not to take this personally. When you make a statement like that, it reveals a presumption that “you’ve heard it all.” Yet, we haven’t even had the opportunity to offer you anything. You’re telling us not to offer any advice, because you’ve already heard it, but we haven’t even had the chance to say anything yet. How can you know that what we would have to say is going to be something you’ve already heard, when you haven’t yet heard what we have to offer?

    You didn’t read the details. If you have ADD, I understand. I sometimes just skim long messages myself.

    Do the math that’s about 17 years of job hunting and interviewing. I could TEACH a university class in job searching, interview skills, and everything else. Those skills aren’t the problem. “I can’t be packaged” for employers. They are looking for “corporate drones”. This I can’t do. Second, I’v wasted enough of my life trying to be something i’m not. I’m different from everyone else. I’v accepted it and moved on to independent business ideas. I feel like a fool for seeing the truth earlier in life, guess that’s called wisdom. I WILL NOT make that mistake a third time in row. The subject is closed for discussion now and for all time.

    >Coaches are great under the right circumstances. Coaches however, are but one tool, and aren’t very effective if underlying issues aren’t being addressed properly and thoroughly. No coach works for free. Somebody has to pay for it, but there may be some organizations (private or public), that have funding that can help you with that. I’ve no idea about that. The concept of coaching ADHD patients is brand new to me. I haven’t even had the opportunity yet to explore the possibilities. Hopefully someone else here can offer more information.

    I have help from a local non-profit, but having an ADD coach will be very helpful. Still, they have to be free, else I can’t afford it. I’m currently looking for one.

    >Just know that I HEAR you, and definitely feel for you. And I hope you find some answers.

    Accepting who you are means accepting your limits and knowing your strengths. The Star Trek Enterprise theme song keeps me going.

    (clipped, check out amazon for the song download)

    It’s been a long road

    Get’n from there to here

    It’s been a long time

    But my time is finally near

    I will see my dreams come alive at last

    I will touch the sky

    And they’re not gonna hold me down no more

    No they’re not gonna change my mind

    (Chorus)

    ‘Cause I’ve got faith of the heart

    I’m going where my heart will take me

    I’ve got faith to believe

    I can do anything

    I’ve got strength of the soul

    No one’s going to bend nor break me

    I can reach any star

    I’ve got faith

    I’ve got faith

    Faith of the heart

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    #99333
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    Robbo
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    Post count: 929

    It’s good to rant. A lot. Just to get it outa my system. On paper or a screen is better than stuck inside me. I’ve read your posts Filmbuff. In other words, I’m listening. I hear you.

    Lot’s of times I just need to talk, the next best thing is to write here. If I write enough eventually I find my own answers. Not all of what I write makes it on to the pages here. But the solution part sometimes does. I’m sure it helps at least a small handful. Perhaps hundreds or more, ya never know.

    Thanks for sharing your reality with us. We give a crap.

    We do. We care cuz lot’s of us feel the same pain.

    Stick around, keep writing. That’s the closest thing to advice I’ll be giving you for tonight. I feel less alone when I read about your hellish experiences. That helps, so thanks.

    <<<<We have the worst health care system in the world. >>>>>

    I don’t care what the truth is, but what you’ve said is how I feel a lot. People with disabilities, You, me… the rest, the invisible. We’re lucky to get those 6 sessions. Gotta fight like crazy to get em too. Then they treat/use us like lab rats. medical students n young residents PRACTICE medicine on us, WAY before they get the hang of it. They don’t need to pay grave robbers any more, they got us!!

    I’m really crazy. Absolutely nuts, so I find humor in all kinds of places normal people don’t, and it’s spills outa the cracks in my skull like lava. The lava usually comes after the volcano blows it’s top. Deep and profound huh? ahh, maybe not. My humor is like lava, creeping along, searing hot, and dangerous. Lave turns into brand new earth, and paradise, even good beach breaks. (for surf-able waves)

    On a good day, I have the ability to edit out a lot of the struggle n just write the funny stuff. A few folks in this camp laugh so hard they almost pee. Some do pee!, lol. I’m not sorry about that, pyoo. But then they forget to write anything because something shiny caught their attention before they get the chance. Maybe they come back to post a reply, but can’t find my post. See what I mean? I found the solution to some of my fears just by writing about my frustration first. I wrote about that on another thread. It takes time sometimes.

    So keep venting the crap. I bet there’s some cool stuff just underneath all that history of torment n struggle. OOps, I gave ya some more advice.

    Never mind.

    12:27 am pst 2/21/12

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